It's so much easier to consider ideas in my head rather than put them out there. By putting them 'out' I am bringing them out of the darkness, within the light they must be examined. In examining them I have to make decisions on whether to keep the path I have been on or if it would be better for me to change direction slightly.
The subject that has been taking up a lot of my energy lately has been relationships. Most importantly, love relationships. I have been looking at my relationship, the feelings I have about my partner. How I feel when I'm with him, without him. I have been paying attention to what holds us together, in my eyes. I love him, there is no doubt about that. I think he is charming, smart, super handsome. He's an a amazing father to our son, he's a good provider, he always wants to take care of everyone and everything and he does his best to make everyone happy, especially me.
The question that has been popping in mind lately is whether or not we are together because of a connection we hold to one another or, is it just an attachment?
That question kept me up all night last night, I barely slept a wink! All I kept hearing myself say was 'Connection or Attachment'. All night long! What makes me nervous is the quickness I respond with 'attachment'.
If this relationship is mostly attachment then that means I need to reconsider whether or not I should continue this relationship, and that scares the hell out of me! I have been with him for 5 years, my longest relationship ever. If I want to be honest probably my only relationship ever. He was the first one to stand by me, he stuck by me in some of the most difficult times I have ever had in my life. He taught me a ton about myself. He's made me laugh, he's made me happy and most important he's kept me safe. I have always had him to turn to, and I have never doubted whether he would be there to help me, he always has. He is an amazing man! I feel truly blessed to have him in my life.
Given all of that, the question of 'connection or attachment' still is not answered. I am obviously attached to him, he's been my only person for 5 years. So I need to find out where the connection is, that's where I come up short. He and I are SO different! We hold different views on practically everything you can think of. Neither one of us seems to feel completely, or even mostly, understood by the other. He questions my behavior, I question his and I'm starting to wonder if all of these questions, these misunderstandings and hurt feelings are unfix able as a couple. I'm starting to question whether we should even be together at all. Yes we love each other, neither of us wants to hurt the other. Is that enough of a reason to stay together?
The thought that crosses my mind often is 'someone could love him better than I can'. I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him. I want to him have all the love in the world and I know that there is someone who would meet his desires better than I do. I know he can be happier than he is with me. I will always be in his life, our son guarantees that. I will always love him, and I hope we can move past this and be close friends. I hope he will be able to see that I am ending our relationship because I love him. I want the absolute best for him, and I am not it, I will be his friend, I be support him and I will love him until the end of time. I will no longer hold him in a relationship that hurts him, I will not allow him to stay unhappy with me when he could find true happiness without me. This by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know that it is the right thing to do. I know there is someone better for him and I wish him the best in finding his happiness. I always be here for him, whenever he needs me, because he has always been there for me. I wish him the greatest of love.
At the same though these are the songs that are helping me work through the emotions I am feeling. Enjoy!
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