I took another step in the recreation of me. I had my hair done yesterday. I have been wanting a change for a long time and I am so pleased with the outcome. It looks like fire, it reminds me of a pheonix rising from the ashes. I love it!!!!
This new look has inspired me to work towards that person I know I have inside of me. That confident woman who is powerful, strong, sexy and fun loving.
I now have 2 days of running under my belt. I feel inspired to make the right choices that will lead me to the Micah I was meant to be!
Living Inspired,
Micah
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
In the Green
In the green I hold you. I lay in your arms and listen to your heart beat.
In the green I see you, I trace your eyebrows with my finger, memorizing the contours of your face
In the green I breathe you in. I wrap myself in the peace being with you offers.
How I long to be near you again. I am no longer trapped by the evil voices within my head, they were what held me back from truly showing you love. The fear that you would not or did not love me back was unbearable! I was petrified to admit how much I completely adored you. I was afraid you did not love me back. I know that I never really gave you a chance to love me, I believe you did though.
We were together for a very short time but the love I still feel for you to this day is strong. I loved the peace I felt in your arms. I loved the way we could be together without having to do anything at all. I remember coloring in your tattoos while you would sit there and strum your guitar.
I loved your lips and smile, you always had a devilish grin, it lit my heart ablaze!
You were my true love. I do not hold anger or pain when I think of our time together. All I feel is love, all I'll ever allow myself to feel for you is love. There is no reason to focus on the pain, the love is what mattered, it still does.
So on that rare occasion that I see you in my dreams I cherish every single breathe you take near me. I cherish everything about you.
Until I see you again in the green.......
In the green I see you, I trace your eyebrows with my finger, memorizing the contours of your face
In the green I breathe you in. I wrap myself in the peace being with you offers.
How I long to be near you again. I am no longer trapped by the evil voices within my head, they were what held me back from truly showing you love. The fear that you would not or did not love me back was unbearable! I was petrified to admit how much I completely adored you. I was afraid you did not love me back. I know that I never really gave you a chance to love me, I believe you did though.
We were together for a very short time but the love I still feel for you to this day is strong. I loved the peace I felt in your arms. I loved the way we could be together without having to do anything at all. I remember coloring in your tattoos while you would sit there and strum your guitar.
I loved your lips and smile, you always had a devilish grin, it lit my heart ablaze!
You were my true love. I do not hold anger or pain when I think of our time together. All I feel is love, all I'll ever allow myself to feel for you is love. There is no reason to focus on the pain, the love is what mattered, it still does.
So on that rare occasion that I see you in my dreams I cherish every single breathe you take near me. I cherish everything about you.
Until I see you again in the green.......
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Seriously!?! Rant!
I'm at home watching the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse from the History Channel. I used to love these type of shows, they give scientific proof of all of the horrible things that could happen to us in this life should the Apocalypse come. There are 2 reasons this show is annoying me. First, they blame God for all of these horrible things. Second, they focus on the negatives. So I just want to go off a bit.........
I understand that of course they are going to portray all of these events as scary as they can be. It makes for better TV. It irritates me that these shows are out there. They seem like constructed evil, waiting to be planted it into people's head and if enough people fear it it will come about. They we all sit there and go, 'Oh my Josh, they said this was going to happen'.
They are basing all of this on Revelations in the Bible. I first read Revelations on New Years Eve 1999, I have to admit, it is a very scary possibility. That whole book is straight fear. It's the base of a thousand movies and books. We hold ourselves in fear of everything bad that could happen. We go see movies, watch TV shows and read books about how all of us are going to die, how the world is going to end and how we all will suffer. Think about that for a minute.....why????
Why are we obbessed with destroying ourselves? We are constantly finding out another way our world will end. Why do we never look at the fact that with all of these senarios that could end our lives, we still live. Why not look at the fact that we could be obliterated at anytime by Earthquakes, Volcano's, Tsunamis or other natural disasters and be thankful that we are here. Instead of planning how to handle one of these 'if this happens' situations why don't we put a greater focus on how far we have come. How lucky we are everyday that an asteroid didn't hit us and Our Sun didn't burn out. Why aren't we thankful for the blessings in life? Why do we as a people insist on focusing on possible impending doom?
I also wonder why we put all of the blame for everything on God? We say he is vengeful and will smite us. Why? The God I am part of is not a spiteful God. The God of creation is just that, God of creation.
I feel like Man has ruined God a bit. For instance most claim 'he' when they talk about God. That is so limiting, God is not a man, God is power, love and abundance God is not a 'he' God just is. I understand that God was given 'he' as an indenity, probably to make him more relatable to man, but God is not man. God is simple. God is everything and when you begin to realize that God is the power and force and connection that holds everything together then there is peace. When you stop looking at God like this old man up in the heavens getting pissed off at us for our improper behavior, and realize God does not hold form, then you can begin feel the presence of God within yourself. By making God like man we have limited God. GOd has been portrayed as he has because Man is better at accpeting what he knows. Man understands how he acts when he is hurt angry and people do not listen to him, that is why God is explained that way.
When I say God is simple I mean what I say. God is not complicated. God does not get his feelings hurt or get angry because people don't believe in him, God is not a him. God is a power, a force, God is life. God is the power and life that we all come from. It is that simple. God does not lack, Man lacks. Man lacks the understanding of the simplicity of God. We as Man over complicate everything, we put limits upon ourselves and our power. We put limits upon what we think God is and what we think God can do.
I admit I used to be one of those people who would watch these shows and be scared out of my mind. I watched these type of shows because I wanted to be 'prepared' for what may come. Now I see things differently. I don't see these shows as 'preparing' one for what may come, I see it more as a scare tactic. I fear that if everyone believes these things will come about we will actually create the scenarios unintentionally.
The good thing I have to say is at least these type of shows are starting to show a glimmer of hope that we do have the power to change our path. It's just sad that they only mention that glimmer of hope after 2 hours of negative information.
I understand that of course they are going to portray all of these events as scary as they can be. It makes for better TV. It irritates me that these shows are out there. They seem like constructed evil, waiting to be planted it into people's head and if enough people fear it it will come about. They we all sit there and go, 'Oh my Josh, they said this was going to happen'.
They are basing all of this on Revelations in the Bible. I first read Revelations on New Years Eve 1999, I have to admit, it is a very scary possibility. That whole book is straight fear. It's the base of a thousand movies and books. We hold ourselves in fear of everything bad that could happen. We go see movies, watch TV shows and read books about how all of us are going to die, how the world is going to end and how we all will suffer. Think about that for a minute.....why????
Why are we obbessed with destroying ourselves? We are constantly finding out another way our world will end. Why do we never look at the fact that with all of these senarios that could end our lives, we still live. Why not look at the fact that we could be obliterated at anytime by Earthquakes, Volcano's, Tsunamis or other natural disasters and be thankful that we are here. Instead of planning how to handle one of these 'if this happens' situations why don't we put a greater focus on how far we have come. How lucky we are everyday that an asteroid didn't hit us and Our Sun didn't burn out. Why aren't we thankful for the blessings in life? Why do we as a people insist on focusing on possible impending doom?
I also wonder why we put all of the blame for everything on God? We say he is vengeful and will smite us. Why? The God I am part of is not a spiteful God. The God of creation is just that, God of creation.
I feel like Man has ruined God a bit. For instance most claim 'he' when they talk about God. That is so limiting, God is not a man, God is power, love and abundance God is not a 'he' God just is. I understand that God was given 'he' as an indenity, probably to make him more relatable to man, but God is not man. God is simple. God is everything and when you begin to realize that God is the power and force and connection that holds everything together then there is peace. When you stop looking at God like this old man up in the heavens getting pissed off at us for our improper behavior, and realize God does not hold form, then you can begin feel the presence of God within yourself. By making God like man we have limited God. GOd has been portrayed as he has because Man is better at accpeting what he knows. Man understands how he acts when he is hurt angry and people do not listen to him, that is why God is explained that way.
When I say God is simple I mean what I say. God is not complicated. God does not get his feelings hurt or get angry because people don't believe in him, God is not a him. God is a power, a force, God is life. God is the power and life that we all come from. It is that simple. God does not lack, Man lacks. Man lacks the understanding of the simplicity of God. We as Man over complicate everything, we put limits upon ourselves and our power. We put limits upon what we think God is and what we think God can do.
I admit I used to be one of those people who would watch these shows and be scared out of my mind. I watched these type of shows because I wanted to be 'prepared' for what may come. Now I see things differently. I don't see these shows as 'preparing' one for what may come, I see it more as a scare tactic. I fear that if everyone believes these things will come about we will actually create the scenarios unintentionally.
The good thing I have to say is at least these type of shows are starting to show a glimmer of hope that we do have the power to change our path. It's just sad that they only mention that glimmer of hope after 2 hours of negative information.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Higher Power
We as Humans live life scared without that connection to our Higher Power. Without that knowledge that we are all connected we fall. Without the understanding of how to access that power we are lost. No matter how turned around we get one thing is certain...
That power is still there, it still exists, it is still ever abundant. We just forgot about it.
Once we can remember our attachment we can then change things. When we tap into that power, understanding and appreciating it the best we can. When we begin to allow that power to flow through us that is when we will prosper as a people. When we shed some of the debris, beliefs that do us no good, we will be able to feel that higher power moving through us. Instead of fighting with ourselves and each other, instead of relying on the Man's Mind why not rely on your Soul. Your Soul is really what you are, you do not exist without it.
When we start letting go and accepting that we don't have all the answers. We don't know everything. When we trust what are heart tells us with it's ever fixed beat. We are connected, we are part of something. When we unite in that understanding and we allow God, as I would say, to flow through us then that is when we have the second coming of God. That is what I believe these teachers are teaching when they talk about Christ Conscience.
When we loosen our grip a bit and allow the Universe to function they way it's suppose to then we will find peace. We are strangling ourselves by staying so attached to Earth, the ground, gravity. It's like a filter, getting clogged by debris. We need to let go of some of the things that holds us attached to the world. What happens to a Man where there's no gravity? He is free. The ideas and beliefs about life we hold weight us down like gravity. Albert Einstein brought up the General Theory of Relativity that says we are actually forced down by gravity. Well if we let go of some of the baggage we picked up through life then I believe we could fly 'spiritually'.
When we let go and allow pure love to come through each of us, that is when we will willf ind peace. That's when we will feel and know God on this Earth again.
Consider It.
Living Inspired,
MIcah
That power is still there, it still exists, it is still ever abundant. We just forgot about it.
Once we can remember our attachment we can then change things. When we tap into that power, understanding and appreciating it the best we can. When we begin to allow that power to flow through us that is when we will prosper as a people. When we shed some of the debris, beliefs that do us no good, we will be able to feel that higher power moving through us. Instead of fighting with ourselves and each other, instead of relying on the Man's Mind why not rely on your Soul. Your Soul is really what you are, you do not exist without it.
When we start letting go and accepting that we don't have all the answers. We don't know everything. When we trust what are heart tells us with it's ever fixed beat. We are connected, we are part of something. When we unite in that understanding and we allow God, as I would say, to flow through us then that is when we have the second coming of God. That is what I believe these teachers are teaching when they talk about Christ Conscience.
When we loosen our grip a bit and allow the Universe to function they way it's suppose to then we will find peace. We are strangling ourselves by staying so attached to Earth, the ground, gravity. It's like a filter, getting clogged by debris. We need to let go of some of the things that holds us attached to the world. What happens to a Man where there's no gravity? He is free. The ideas and beliefs about life we hold weight us down like gravity. Albert Einstein brought up the General Theory of Relativity that says we are actually forced down by gravity. Well if we let go of some of the baggage we picked up through life then I believe we could fly 'spiritually'.
When we let go and allow pure love to come through each of us, that is when we will willf ind peace. That's when we will feel and know God on this Earth again.
Consider It.
Living Inspired,
MIcah
Songs of the moment YeeHaa!
The Dixie Chicks.. songs for the day. Let him Fly by the Dixie Chicks
Then, Sin Wagon :)
Then, Sin Wagon :)
It's Like.........Atlantis!
I love to try different ideas and see which are alike. One I have always had fun with is Atlantis. The story talks about a people who enjoy greatness, super smart and when they took their powers to far they destoryed themselves.
Then you have the Disney Version, where a kid named Milo, finds Atlantis, when nobody believed it existed. He finds them to be destitute, unable to understand how to use there power because they lost knowledge of what the power was and how it worked. Milo came in and was able to read the text and explain to them how to use their power again.
There power never left them. They didn't lose it. It wasn't any less powerful when they had before. It was always abundant. They just forgot how to access the power that connected everything.
I think it can relate :)
Then you have the Disney Version, where a kid named Milo, finds Atlantis, when nobody believed it existed. He finds them to be destitute, unable to understand how to use there power because they lost knowledge of what the power was and how it worked. Milo came in and was able to read the text and explain to them how to use their power again.
There power never left them. They didn't lose it. It wasn't any less powerful when they had before. It was always abundant. They just forgot how to access the power that connected everything.
I think it can relate :)
Come One Come All
I have been re reading my blog and also getting back in touch with the teachings I was following by Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra and Abraham Hicks. By going over these ideas I started to notice certain ideas that sadden me and I wanted to address them....
The first thing that I thought of is how some people will end up reading my "religion' blog and, without considering any of it, will toss it away as blasphemy.
I meant the things I said in that blog. I may not have been the most articulate about how I said what I said but the idea behind my words is strong. I know it, I can feel it.
I called my Brother because he is an amazing poet, someday I hope to have some of his songs and poetry on this site, and asked him to put my ideas into poetry but unfortunately I was unable to explain my idea very well. Since I am not a poet I will not try to go that route, instead I will use regular speaking form, since that's what I seem to be better at :)
I ask you that before you begin to read this that you open your mind. For a moment allow another view into your life. I know a lot of us were raised with religion. We were raised with the bibles messages of false prophets and the understanding that God is a power that either grants us forgiveness and blessings or condemns us to hell. I feel that religion has unintentionally created a disconnection between God and Man. I am not claiming to be a prophet or God, I simply want you to consider these ideas. Ponder what I have to say, you do not have to agree with me, just see how you feel about the ideas.....
Come One come All, for we are all welcome here. It does not matter what you have done, who you have been or whether or not you feel worthy. Each and every creation is welcome. There is an even abundance of love for all, not one person can receive more than the other, it's not possible. The only thing we as man are able to control is diminishing the amount of glory we receive. We hold the power of denying, not God. God does not deny us of anything!
I'm sure that can be a hard idea to grasp for someone who has had their fair share of hard breaks. The idea that God provides all and that You yourself control the amount of glory you receive can be hard to accept, and I understand that. Before you go off at the 'ignorance' of life's hardship it seems like I'm showing I want an opportunity to clarify what I'm saying.
I mentioned in another post that if we were raised from birth with the understanding that we are first and foremost a part of God we would not be living the lives we live today. Throughout our lives, from infancy, we are given beliefs. We are taught the religion our parents want us to understand, more than likely because it's what they were taught. We are taught our beliefs of Heaven, Hell, Sin, Forgiveness and everything else that has to do with how we got here, what we are to do here and where we go when we leave here.
Once those beliefs have attached themselves to us and can be hard to let them go. The idea of letting an idea that you feel is fundamental to your existence go can be terrifying! Who will you be without that belief? How will your life change?
So when I say Man controls the amount of glory they receive that is what I'm referring to. With the beliefs we decide to hold, the understanding we possess of what we were taught that God is able to do. We were taught our behaviors and belief in God by Man.
What if you weren't taught anything about 'God' from birth? Even people who I have met who don't believe in God still believe in something. Perhaps they don't believe in God simply because we use the name God to describe that amazing force that provides us life. Maybe something tragic happened in their life and they felt abandoned by God, it can be a number of reasons that someone will not believe in God.
What I am saying is that believe or not, that power exists. You don't have to call it God, it can be called whatever you want, it doesn't change the fact that there is a Higher Power that provides for us all. Within that HIgher Power that attachs us all to this Earth and this life. Our essence, our souls, our basic exsistance is dependant upon.......what??? Call it God, Source, Universe, Matter, Anti-matter, call it whatever you want. At the deepest connection we are attached, to that power, to eachother, to Earth and to life.
If we begin to feel that and understand that at the most basic level within us then that is when we see God,Exsistance,Being,Peace. We find the Oneness.
That Power is abundant, it is pure and it is ever exsistant.
The first thing that I thought of is how some people will end up reading my "religion' blog and, without considering any of it, will toss it away as blasphemy.
I meant the things I said in that blog. I may not have been the most articulate about how I said what I said but the idea behind my words is strong. I know it, I can feel it.
I called my Brother because he is an amazing poet, someday I hope to have some of his songs and poetry on this site, and asked him to put my ideas into poetry but unfortunately I was unable to explain my idea very well. Since I am not a poet I will not try to go that route, instead I will use regular speaking form, since that's what I seem to be better at :)
I ask you that before you begin to read this that you open your mind. For a moment allow another view into your life. I know a lot of us were raised with religion. We were raised with the bibles messages of false prophets and the understanding that God is a power that either grants us forgiveness and blessings or condemns us to hell. I feel that religion has unintentionally created a disconnection between God and Man. I am not claiming to be a prophet or God, I simply want you to consider these ideas. Ponder what I have to say, you do not have to agree with me, just see how you feel about the ideas.....
Come One come All, for we are all welcome here. It does not matter what you have done, who you have been or whether or not you feel worthy. Each and every creation is welcome. There is an even abundance of love for all, not one person can receive more than the other, it's not possible. The only thing we as man are able to control is diminishing the amount of glory we receive. We hold the power of denying, not God. God does not deny us of anything!
I'm sure that can be a hard idea to grasp for someone who has had their fair share of hard breaks. The idea that God provides all and that You yourself control the amount of glory you receive can be hard to accept, and I understand that. Before you go off at the 'ignorance' of life's hardship it seems like I'm showing I want an opportunity to clarify what I'm saying.
I mentioned in another post that if we were raised from birth with the understanding that we are first and foremost a part of God we would not be living the lives we live today. Throughout our lives, from infancy, we are given beliefs. We are taught the religion our parents want us to understand, more than likely because it's what they were taught. We are taught our beliefs of Heaven, Hell, Sin, Forgiveness and everything else that has to do with how we got here, what we are to do here and where we go when we leave here.
Once those beliefs have attached themselves to us and can be hard to let them go. The idea of letting an idea that you feel is fundamental to your existence go can be terrifying! Who will you be without that belief? How will your life change?
So when I say Man controls the amount of glory they receive that is what I'm referring to. With the beliefs we decide to hold, the understanding we possess of what we were taught that God is able to do. We were taught our behaviors and belief in God by Man.
What if you weren't taught anything about 'God' from birth? Even people who I have met who don't believe in God still believe in something. Perhaps they don't believe in God simply because we use the name God to describe that amazing force that provides us life. Maybe something tragic happened in their life and they felt abandoned by God, it can be a number of reasons that someone will not believe in God.
What I am saying is that believe or not, that power exists. You don't have to call it God, it can be called whatever you want, it doesn't change the fact that there is a Higher Power that provides for us all. Within that HIgher Power that attachs us all to this Earth and this life. Our essence, our souls, our basic exsistance is dependant upon.......what??? Call it God, Source, Universe, Matter, Anti-matter, call it whatever you want. At the deepest connection we are attached, to that power, to eachother, to Earth and to life.
If we begin to feel that and understand that at the most basic level within us then that is when we see God,Exsistance,Being,Peace. We find the Oneness.
That Power is abundant, it is pure and it is ever exsistant.
Starting to get better
Today is the first day I have woken up and done exactly what I wanted to do :) I woke up early, I took a shower, cleaned up the house, did laundry, meditated and hung out with the kids for a bit all Before work started! That feels so good! I didn't do any of these things in a forced rush to get them done in time. I did not do them because I should I did them because I wanted to and to me that's very important.
I am big into 'I should' I should to do, I should do that. That should makes everything seem difficult because should means to me 'I don't want to' so when I have a should mentality nothinng gets done, and then I feel bad about it later.
So today, no shoulds! I started my day off right and I plan on using that positive engery I started with as a building block for the whole day.
I am big into 'I should' I should to do, I should do that. That should makes everything seem difficult because should means to me 'I don't want to' so when I have a should mentality nothinng gets done, and then I feel bad about it later.
So today, no shoulds! I started my day off right and I plan on using that positive engery I started with as a building block for the whole day.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Correction
I was re reading my 'Religion tainted God' post and in it I say 'Now I am Micah, a believer in God'. I said that wrong. I am Micah, part of God. Believer leaves a bad taste when I say it. In my mind when I say 'believer' it's shallow, it's flimsy. This makes me feels like I said 'believer in magic' that's not it. In moments I see God, in life. In the trees and the wind, and I totally sound like a hippie but I swear, it's true. I feel my connection with life.
By spending time and effort to learn to not identify so much with my life, but more with life itself, I have come to feel that connection. So I wanted to make sure that was clear, I don't believe in a greater connection, I know it exists. I feel my connection to it as well as to others. Although I have to admit that I am still working on being present enough to be able to stay aware of that connection.
There are times when I look at someone and I think, 'what the hell are they thinking', or 'at least I'm not them'. I realize in that moment I thought that thought I judged someone I don't even know. In that moment of judgement I opened myself up to ego. Instead of paying attention to this amazing life I put my attention on something less than. My opinion, which I looked up the definition of: a personal belief or judgment that is not founded on proof or certainty. By paying more attention to my opinion, and you know what they say about opinions..., I then judged. When I ignore my opinion and realize that the source of life is coming through that person just as it is coming through me that is when I feel my connection.
Like I said, I'm not great at it. I still have thoughts of that nature but when I step back and pay attention to how I think then I can change and alter how I think. That idea was one of the first I understood from Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now. He says to listen to your thoughts, without judgement, just pay attention to what you think. Once you start paying attention you can start to see the Gap between who you are and what you are. When you can see, feel or sense that difference you are on your way.
So try the little exercise for a while, listen to your own thoughts. Don't judge what you think, just listen and notice the feelings, reactions and emotions your thoughts create in you.
This is a snippet of Eckhart Tolle that will explain a little more.
Consider it.
Living Inspired,
Micah
By spending time and effort to learn to not identify so much with my life, but more with life itself, I have come to feel that connection. So I wanted to make sure that was clear, I don't believe in a greater connection, I know it exists. I feel my connection to it as well as to others. Although I have to admit that I am still working on being present enough to be able to stay aware of that connection.
There are times when I look at someone and I think, 'what the hell are they thinking', or 'at least I'm not them'. I realize in that moment I thought that thought I judged someone I don't even know. In that moment of judgement I opened myself up to ego. Instead of paying attention to this amazing life I put my attention on something less than. My opinion, which I looked up the definition of: a personal belief or judgment that is not founded on proof or certainty. By paying more attention to my opinion, and you know what they say about opinions..., I then judged. When I ignore my opinion and realize that the source of life is coming through that person just as it is coming through me that is when I feel my connection.
Like I said, I'm not great at it. I still have thoughts of that nature but when I step back and pay attention to how I think then I can change and alter how I think. That idea was one of the first I understood from Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now. He says to listen to your thoughts, without judgement, just pay attention to what you think. Once you start paying attention you can start to see the Gap between who you are and what you are. When you can see, feel or sense that difference you are on your way.
So try the little exercise for a while, listen to your own thoughts. Don't judge what you think, just listen and notice the feelings, reactions and emotions your thoughts create in you.
This is a snippet of Eckhart Tolle that will explain a little more.
Consider it.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Music of the moment
I'm am now onto Sara Barellis, I can make a whole playlist about how life goes just by using her songs to tell emotions, I love that. She plays and sings beautifully.
Music of the moment
So I've moved on a bit in my music. I spent all morning singing Bad News Baby in my head, I love that song!!!
Anyway, now I've moved to a little different vibe.
I didn't pick it because of the video although I will say that certain aspects were the same, that pain is prominant in the ending of any relationship where their is still love....they end up finding a beautiful relationship with eachother without pain or anger. I like about their story, I hope to have that one day.
Since I'm a big Ani fan I have a few of her songs....
This video isn't really important but the song is great..
Anyway, now I've moved to a little different vibe.
I didn't pick it because of the video although I will say that certain aspects were the same, that pain is prominant in the ending of any relationship where their is still love....they end up finding a beautiful relationship with eachother without pain or anger. I like about their story, I hope to have that one day.
Since I'm a big Ani fan I have a few of her songs....
This video isn't really important but the song is great..
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Check 'em out!
Now that I know how to add a youtube video to my blog I will be able to add some snipets fo some of my favorite lessons:)
Please enjoy!
Please enjoy!
Did it help?
Like I mentioned at the beginning of the day, I was having a very tough time! I am glad to say at the end of my day that I feel refreshed, replenished and in a better state of mind. I have been able to get perspective, Thank Goodness!!!!
I started with music. I've found some great songs and right now I am going back and forth between a song called Bitter from For The Love of Sloane, by far my favorite angry girl song. I love the girl's voice and enjoy singing it. Oliver, my son, also got to enjoy the fun. We played rock band. I was the singer and he was the guitarist, he's really good :).
We played Rockband until we were tired, it was a great release for me and, I was glad I was able to allow Oliver to participate. Taking the time to put a song on and be able to feel the song is incredible, to have the freedom to take anger out in that way makes me feel fabulous! Even if I'm not great enough to be an actual singer I can rock out a performance you wouldn't believe within he comforts of my living room :) It's freeing, it's fun, it's exhausting!
Oliver and I then decided to do some Pilates and we listened to some of the Abraham Hicks- The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent. I relaxed and focused on my body as well as my mind. I enjoyed time with my son. I took one afternoon to be kind to myself, without judgement and concern and worry about what would happen if I took that time. I just decided to take the time I needed.
Oliver was tired after that and he laid down to take a nap with a story book on tape and I took that time to meditate. Instead of making an excuse about not be able to listen to my meditation because my Ipod is fried I just laid out a mat and plugged my headphones into the computer and listened that way. I did a guided meditation by Kelly Howard- Manifest a State of Grace. It was so relaxing, I came out of the meditation feeling peaceful and light.
Oliver then woke up, Roni got home and she went out and played. Oliver wanted to listen to music again so we played Rockband again :) I could play that all day long, I love singing and dancing around!
We ended up going to the Y. It was nice. I tried a new class, Resistance Band Training, I will do that class again. The instructor is nice and the women in the class are great! I have to say I felt so good today. By the time I was in the class I felt like I was walking on air. It was challenging and the ride to the Y and back was also a great workout.
I spoke to people I love today. I spoke with friends today, people who are the start of my new path. I have no past with these people, they are fresh perspectives and they are nice. They are supportive and I feel wonderful to be making connections that I was so afraid to try and make before.
I came home and watched So You Think You Can Dance, love that show, love to watch the dancers. They are inspiring! Now I after cuddling the babies, I am listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer- The Power of Intention. While I am blogging my day. He is talking right now about how to get past resistance and connect with Source. That by paying attention to the lack in my life I am only drawing it towards my life. What you put your attention on is what your gonna get, basically. He also talks about you not being able to get sick enough to heal anyone or to be poor enough to save someone from poor. My view of this is: my feeling pain because you feel pain is not going to make anyone hurt any less.
So I will finishing listening to this I will meditate one more time and I will go to bed thankful for this day. Thankful for the experiences I had today and most of all thankful that I was able to do what I needed to do to take care of myself today.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I started with music. I've found some great songs and right now I am going back and forth between a song called Bitter from For The Love of Sloane, by far my favorite angry girl song. I love the girl's voice and enjoy singing it. Oliver, my son, also got to enjoy the fun. We played rock band. I was the singer and he was the guitarist, he's really good :).
We played Rockband until we were tired, it was a great release for me and, I was glad I was able to allow Oliver to participate. Taking the time to put a song on and be able to feel the song is incredible, to have the freedom to take anger out in that way makes me feel fabulous! Even if I'm not great enough to be an actual singer I can rock out a performance you wouldn't believe within he comforts of my living room :) It's freeing, it's fun, it's exhausting!
Oliver and I then decided to do some Pilates and we listened to some of the Abraham Hicks- The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent. I relaxed and focused on my body as well as my mind. I enjoyed time with my son. I took one afternoon to be kind to myself, without judgement and concern and worry about what would happen if I took that time. I just decided to take the time I needed.
Oliver was tired after that and he laid down to take a nap with a story book on tape and I took that time to meditate. Instead of making an excuse about not be able to listen to my meditation because my Ipod is fried I just laid out a mat and plugged my headphones into the computer and listened that way. I did a guided meditation by Kelly Howard- Manifest a State of Grace. It was so relaxing, I came out of the meditation feeling peaceful and light.
Oliver then woke up, Roni got home and she went out and played. Oliver wanted to listen to music again so we played Rockband again :) I could play that all day long, I love singing and dancing around!
We ended up going to the Y. It was nice. I tried a new class, Resistance Band Training, I will do that class again. The instructor is nice and the women in the class are great! I have to say I felt so good today. By the time I was in the class I felt like I was walking on air. It was challenging and the ride to the Y and back was also a great workout.
I spoke to people I love today. I spoke with friends today, people who are the start of my new path. I have no past with these people, they are fresh perspectives and they are nice. They are supportive and I feel wonderful to be making connections that I was so afraid to try and make before.
I came home and watched So You Think You Can Dance, love that show, love to watch the dancers. They are inspiring! Now I after cuddling the babies, I am listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer- The Power of Intention. While I am blogging my day. He is talking right now about how to get past resistance and connect with Source. That by paying attention to the lack in my life I am only drawing it towards my life. What you put your attention on is what your gonna get, basically. He also talks about you not being able to get sick enough to heal anyone or to be poor enough to save someone from poor. My view of this is: my feeling pain because you feel pain is not going to make anyone hurt any less.
So I will finishing listening to this I will meditate one more time and I will go to bed thankful for this day. Thankful for the experiences I had today and most of all thankful that I was able to do what I needed to do to take care of myself today.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Music of the moment
and more.....
I'm a HUGE Josiah Leming fan. I like the emotion and passion he shows with his music :)
I'm a HUGE Josiah Leming fan. I like the emotion and passion he shows with his music :)
Songs of the moment
These are songs that hold me up for the moments. The theme of The moment :) Enjoy
Micah's Day Playlist :)
Micah's Day Playlist :)
Wish I could get past this
Things have been pretty bad for me emotionally lately. I haven't been taking things very well, I feel as though I'm in a constant panic attack! I can't seem to calm down or let anything go. Instead I seem to be collecting negative feelings like a magnet! This is not good.
I feel like I have no one to talk to about anything. I guess the reason I feel that way is because I really don't have anyone to talk to. And, I don't really want to talk. No one is going to make me better, there is nothing they can say or do, I hurt, I have to get past this.
This breakup has sent back into the shadows within myself. This pain and anger and sadness is all within me, I need to figure out the way to get past them myself.
I feel slightly hopeless right now, if I'm going to be honest. I feel like whatever decision I make about anything I will be wrong. I am constantly second guessing myself and I can feel my connection with reality and the now growing distant.
I am absorbed by my ego and Pain body, I am consumed by guilt, sadness, self pity and loneliness.
I need to let go, before this emotional pain transforms into physical pain or worse sickness.
I think I'll make a point to re listening to some of my recordings. Maybe some Abraham Hicks and Eckhart Tolle. I think I need a refresher course, because I know right now I am not doing anything to make myself better. I am only wallowing in self pity.
Maybe after listening to this recordings I can find a better perspective.....We'll soon find out :)
I feel like I have no one to talk to about anything. I guess the reason I feel that way is because I really don't have anyone to talk to. And, I don't really want to talk. No one is going to make me better, there is nothing they can say or do, I hurt, I have to get past this.
This breakup has sent back into the shadows within myself. This pain and anger and sadness is all within me, I need to figure out the way to get past them myself.
I feel slightly hopeless right now, if I'm going to be honest. I feel like whatever decision I make about anything I will be wrong. I am constantly second guessing myself and I can feel my connection with reality and the now growing distant.
I am absorbed by my ego and Pain body, I am consumed by guilt, sadness, self pity and loneliness.
I need to let go, before this emotional pain transforms into physical pain or worse sickness.
I think I'll make a point to re listening to some of my recordings. Maybe some Abraham Hicks and Eckhart Tolle. I think I need a refresher course, because I know right now I am not doing anything to make myself better. I am only wallowing in self pity.
Maybe after listening to this recordings I can find a better perspective.....We'll soon find out :)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Feeling Proud :)
I was feeling quite down earlier, while writing my last post but at this moment I feel very proud. I have figured out how to posts videos to my blog and I feel proud of myself:) Focus on the good things :)
Living Inspired!
Micah
Living Inspired!
Micah
Breakups can be hard
Especially when there are kids involved. It would be easiest if we could just go our ways for a while. Take time to heal our wounds and get in our heads in order. We haven't done that though, we see eachother almost everyday, it makes this harder.
I miss him. I know he's hurting and I want to comfort him. A part of me wants to just call off this breakup just so he doesn't have to hurt. I know that would not be right though. I know I have decided to do this for the right reasons, even if in the fog of this pain they don't seem to be the strongest reasons, I know they are good.
I still haven't told many people that we are done. I really don't want to hear anyone's comments on the matter. No one really comments on what I write here, actually no one really reads what I write here. I guess that's what I feel a sense of liberation while writing this blog. I'm not afraid of people reading it.
So anyway, I hurt, he hurts and pretty much that's the only emotions that seems available to me. I hurt for causing him pain. I hurt because I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. At the same time though I feel this sort of release. A freeing of my soul, in sorts. I always feel that when a relationship ends. I have no one to disappoint. That's what all of my relationships have been up to this point, me being a constant disappointment until I finally give up and let go. I'm not being over dramticor poor me, I am simply stating the truth.
This one hurts more than the others, it was the longest. Parts of me are mad, they want to blame. I feel the hurt of being held at a distance for 5 years, of never being good enough to be fully excepted. Another part realizes that we just weren't the right fit.
I want to cry and yell at someone. I want to blame someone other than myself. I can't though. I am grown, I got myself into this situation I am responsible for getting myself out. There's a numbness inside me that is somewhat comfortable, a place of understanding peace. A place where I think I may be able to retreat to for a while and heal my wounds. I sometimes worry though that my pain will harden and I don't want that to happen. I need to find a way to let go of this hurt I feel. I need to allow it to move through me like a bitter wind and go beyond it. I can see that I need to do that but the execution is much harder.
I have spent the last 5 days eating everything I can get my hands on. I have allowed myself to slip into a depression about this, and like quicksand, I seem to be trapped. Does this even make sense to anyone? Do I sound like Courtney Love on a substance abuse rant???
I found this song and I love it right now. My favorite line is 'Right now I'm the walking wounded. Mindset I am getting out alive'
Enjoy!
I miss him. I know he's hurting and I want to comfort him. A part of me wants to just call off this breakup just so he doesn't have to hurt. I know that would not be right though. I know I have decided to do this for the right reasons, even if in the fog of this pain they don't seem to be the strongest reasons, I know they are good.
I still haven't told many people that we are done. I really don't want to hear anyone's comments on the matter. No one really comments on what I write here, actually no one really reads what I write here. I guess that's what I feel a sense of liberation while writing this blog. I'm not afraid of people reading it.
So anyway, I hurt, he hurts and pretty much that's the only emotions that seems available to me. I hurt for causing him pain. I hurt because I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. At the same time though I feel this sort of release. A freeing of my soul, in sorts. I always feel that when a relationship ends. I have no one to disappoint. That's what all of my relationships have been up to this point, me being a constant disappointment until I finally give up and let go. I'm not being over dramticor poor me, I am simply stating the truth.
This one hurts more than the others, it was the longest. Parts of me are mad, they want to blame. I feel the hurt of being held at a distance for 5 years, of never being good enough to be fully excepted. Another part realizes that we just weren't the right fit.
I want to cry and yell at someone. I want to blame someone other than myself. I can't though. I am grown, I got myself into this situation I am responsible for getting myself out. There's a numbness inside me that is somewhat comfortable, a place of understanding peace. A place where I think I may be able to retreat to for a while and heal my wounds. I sometimes worry though that my pain will harden and I don't want that to happen. I need to find a way to let go of this hurt I feel. I need to allow it to move through me like a bitter wind and go beyond it. I can see that I need to do that but the execution is much harder.
I have spent the last 5 days eating everything I can get my hands on. I have allowed myself to slip into a depression about this, and like quicksand, I seem to be trapped. Does this even make sense to anyone? Do I sound like Courtney Love on a substance abuse rant???
I found this song and I love it right now. My favorite line is 'Right now I'm the walking wounded. Mindset I am getting out alive'
Enjoy!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Relationships
I wanted to put down what I believe a relationship should be. What I want in a relationship.
I want a partnership. I want to feel like a am just as important to the relationship as my partner is. I want a partner who values me, my opinion, my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I want a partner who sees who I am and likes me just the way I am. I want a partner who doesn't think I need to be fixed or changed or altered, someone who sees the beauty I posses, even when I can't see it for myself.
I want be with someone who wants to know me, how I tick and why I feel the way I feel. I want someone who wants to be with me, not because they think they can save me, or that they have to. I want them to be with me because they think I am amazing and want to be on this journey through life with me, not someone to guide me but someone who wants to walk by my side.
I want a person who feels better when I'm around, who finds joy in my presence.
I want to be with someone who does not remind me of all they do for me but instead reminds me of all we can do together. I want to be with someone who sees me as their equal, who is willing to pick me up when I am down, because they know without a doubt, that I can and will do that for them.
I want to be with someone who sees the strength and frailness inside of me and loves both sides. I want to be with someone who will comfort me when I cry and push me to do things I don't think I'm capable of doing, because they know I can. I want a friend, a true friend, one who will stand by me right or wrong, good or bad.
I want a connection. I want love. I want the happiness and peace and strength that come from knowing your have a teammate in this world. The person who is not proud, who does not think they are better than me. A person who does not feel the need to remind me of everything they have done for me.
I want someone to know me, to really know me, to want to know me.
I watch a lot of TV shows like, Ghost Whisperer and Medium, and other shows where the woman is the main character. She is always a little messed up, she's always getting into trouble but she is powerful and strong. My favorite part of the shows, beside the clothes ;), are the husbands. Those women would not be half as powerful and capable if they did not have that person behind them cheering them on, understanding them and loving them for exactly who they are. I know it's just a TV show but I want that love. I want that partner. I want the one who loves me because I am me.
I know it is possible. I know love like that can exist, and I think maybe someday it could exist for me. So I am not going to give up. I am not going to settle. I know that I can love, I know when I love I love strong. I know someone, someday is bound to see that in me. So I will wait. I will work on the things I can work on. I will not accept that I must be with someone who looks at me more as a burden than a partner. I would rather go through this life by myself then with someone who cannot see the things I bring to the partnership, because that is not a partnership.
I want love, I want a connection and I know someday I will find it. And, when I do, I will cherish it always.
I want a partnership. I want to feel like a am just as important to the relationship as my partner is. I want a partner who values me, my opinion, my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I want a partner who sees who I am and likes me just the way I am. I want a partner who doesn't think I need to be fixed or changed or altered, someone who sees the beauty I posses, even when I can't see it for myself.
I want be with someone who wants to know me, how I tick and why I feel the way I feel. I want someone who wants to be with me, not because they think they can save me, or that they have to. I want them to be with me because they think I am amazing and want to be on this journey through life with me, not someone to guide me but someone who wants to walk by my side.
I want a person who feels better when I'm around, who finds joy in my presence.
I want to be with someone who does not remind me of all they do for me but instead reminds me of all we can do together. I want to be with someone who sees me as their equal, who is willing to pick me up when I am down, because they know without a doubt, that I can and will do that for them.
I want to be with someone who sees the strength and frailness inside of me and loves both sides. I want to be with someone who will comfort me when I cry and push me to do things I don't think I'm capable of doing, because they know I can. I want a friend, a true friend, one who will stand by me right or wrong, good or bad.
I want a connection. I want love. I want the happiness and peace and strength that come from knowing your have a teammate in this world. The person who is not proud, who does not think they are better than me. A person who does not feel the need to remind me of everything they have done for me.
I want someone to know me, to really know me, to want to know me.
I watch a lot of TV shows like, Ghost Whisperer and Medium, and other shows where the woman is the main character. She is always a little messed up, she's always getting into trouble but she is powerful and strong. My favorite part of the shows, beside the clothes ;), are the husbands. Those women would not be half as powerful and capable if they did not have that person behind them cheering them on, understanding them and loving them for exactly who they are. I know it's just a TV show but I want that love. I want that partner. I want the one who loves me because I am me.
I know it is possible. I know love like that can exist, and I think maybe someday it could exist for me. So I am not going to give up. I am not going to settle. I know that I can love, I know when I love I love strong. I know someone, someday is bound to see that in me. So I will wait. I will work on the things I can work on. I will not accept that I must be with someone who looks at me more as a burden than a partner. I would rather go through this life by myself then with someone who cannot see the things I bring to the partnership, because that is not a partnership.
I want love, I want a connection and I know someday I will find it. And, when I do, I will cherish it always.
Friday, June 5, 2009
I am blessed
I am blessed to have the people I do in my life. I know this. yesterday was a rough day but I made it through. A lot of the reason I made it through was because he was so understanding about our separation. He did not make me feel bad, he hates when I feel bad, one of the reasons I love him. We made the decision to be friends and I am grateful beyond words for that. He has been my whole world for 5 years, I don't think I could've handled if he hated me, which is why I wanted to end this now, before we began to hate each other.
So I count my blessings today. I say a prayer of thanks with every breathe I take that I have people who love me in my life. I say a prayer of thanks for the understanding others provide me, even if my way isn't the way they would go about their life. I say a prayer of thanks for love, understanding, friendship and compassion.
I am blessed, I know this.
So I count my blessings today. I say a prayer of thanks with every breathe I take that I have people who love me in my life. I say a prayer of thanks for the understanding others provide me, even if my way isn't the way they would go about their life. I say a prayer of thanks for love, understanding, friendship and compassion.
I am blessed, I know this.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I wish you love
I wish you love.
I wish you happiness, joy, laughter and sex!
I wish you the best blow job you've had yet!
I wish you compassion and understanding, a love who enjoys basketball
I wish you the sexiest woman you've ever seen to be at your beck and call
I wish you swoons from all the girls who now know you're single
I wish that you would enjoy this time and mingle mingle mingle!
I wish you peace and calmness with which ever girl you choose
I wish for you to have the girl who'll never make you blue
I wish for you everything, because that's what you gave to me
I wish you to always know my love that you don't see
It is here, inside, but for you it's not a perfect fit
I wish you to realize that respect and accept it
You are amazing and I'm sure the girls will find that out
You have a perfect ass and a prefect pout!
You are as handsome as they come and your smile is insane
The brightest that I've ever seen, it can banish pain
You deserve the best, you deserve the world
You deserve a hot as hell kinky, sexy girl:)
So I wish you love, I wish you all the best
I wish for you a girl whose jaw never needs to rest ;)
I love you Jerrrrrrrrrrr, you know I always will
You've been my dearest friend, and after this, I hope you will be still....
Love Always,
Micah
I wish you happiness, joy, laughter and sex!
I wish you the best blow job you've had yet!
I wish you compassion and understanding, a love who enjoys basketball
I wish you the sexiest woman you've ever seen to be at your beck and call
I wish you swoons from all the girls who now know you're single
I wish that you would enjoy this time and mingle mingle mingle!
I wish you peace and calmness with which ever girl you choose
I wish for you to have the girl who'll never make you blue
I wish for you everything, because that's what you gave to me
I wish you to always know my love that you don't see
It is here, inside, but for you it's not a perfect fit
I wish you to realize that respect and accept it
You are amazing and I'm sure the girls will find that out
You have a perfect ass and a prefect pout!
You are as handsome as they come and your smile is insane
The brightest that I've ever seen, it can banish pain
You deserve the best, you deserve the world
You deserve a hot as hell kinky, sexy girl:)
So I wish you love, I wish you all the best
I wish for you a girl whose jaw never needs to rest ;)
I love you Jerrrrrrrrrrr, you know I always will
You've been my dearest friend, and after this, I hope you will be still....
Love Always,
Micah
One of the hardest things
It's so much easier to consider ideas in my head rather than put them out there. By putting them 'out' I am bringing them out of the darkness, within the light they must be examined. In examining them I have to make decisions on whether to keep the path I have been on or if it would be better for me to change direction slightly.
The subject that has been taking up a lot of my energy lately has been relationships. Most importantly, love relationships. I have been looking at my relationship, the feelings I have about my partner. How I feel when I'm with him, without him. I have been paying attention to what holds us together, in my eyes. I love him, there is no doubt about that. I think he is charming, smart, super handsome. He's an a amazing father to our son, he's a good provider, he always wants to take care of everyone and everything and he does his best to make everyone happy, especially me.
The question that has been popping in mind lately is whether or not we are together because of a connection we hold to one another or, is it just an attachment?
That question kept me up all night last night, I barely slept a wink! All I kept hearing myself say was 'Connection or Attachment'. All night long! What makes me nervous is the quickness I respond with 'attachment'.
If this relationship is mostly attachment then that means I need to reconsider whether or not I should continue this relationship, and that scares the hell out of me! I have been with him for 5 years, my longest relationship ever. If I want to be honest probably my only relationship ever. He was the first one to stand by me, he stuck by me in some of the most difficult times I have ever had in my life. He taught me a ton about myself. He's made me laugh, he's made me happy and most important he's kept me safe. I have always had him to turn to, and I have never doubted whether he would be there to help me, he always has. He is an amazing man! I feel truly blessed to have him in my life.
Given all of that, the question of 'connection or attachment' still is not answered. I am obviously attached to him, he's been my only person for 5 years. So I need to find out where the connection is, that's where I come up short. He and I are SO different! We hold different views on practically everything you can think of. Neither one of us seems to feel completely, or even mostly, understood by the other. He questions my behavior, I question his and I'm starting to wonder if all of these questions, these misunderstandings and hurt feelings are unfix able as a couple. I'm starting to question whether we should even be together at all. Yes we love each other, neither of us wants to hurt the other. Is that enough of a reason to stay together?
The thought that crosses my mind often is 'someone could love him better than I can'. I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him. I want to him have all the love in the world and I know that there is someone who would meet his desires better than I do. I know he can be happier than he is with me. I will always be in his life, our son guarantees that. I will always love him, and I hope we can move past this and be close friends. I hope he will be able to see that I am ending our relationship because I love him. I want the absolute best for him, and I am not it, I will be his friend, I be support him and I will love him until the end of time. I will no longer hold him in a relationship that hurts him, I will not allow him to stay unhappy with me when he could find true happiness without me. This by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know that it is the right thing to do. I know there is someone better for him and I wish him the best in finding his happiness. I always be here for him, whenever he needs me, because he has always been there for me. I wish him the greatest of love.
At the same though these are the songs that are helping me work through the emotions I am feeling. Enjoy!
The subject that has been taking up a lot of my energy lately has been relationships. Most importantly, love relationships. I have been looking at my relationship, the feelings I have about my partner. How I feel when I'm with him, without him. I have been paying attention to what holds us together, in my eyes. I love him, there is no doubt about that. I think he is charming, smart, super handsome. He's an a amazing father to our son, he's a good provider, he always wants to take care of everyone and everything and he does his best to make everyone happy, especially me.
The question that has been popping in mind lately is whether or not we are together because of a connection we hold to one another or, is it just an attachment?
That question kept me up all night last night, I barely slept a wink! All I kept hearing myself say was 'Connection or Attachment'. All night long! What makes me nervous is the quickness I respond with 'attachment'.
If this relationship is mostly attachment then that means I need to reconsider whether or not I should continue this relationship, and that scares the hell out of me! I have been with him for 5 years, my longest relationship ever. If I want to be honest probably my only relationship ever. He was the first one to stand by me, he stuck by me in some of the most difficult times I have ever had in my life. He taught me a ton about myself. He's made me laugh, he's made me happy and most important he's kept me safe. I have always had him to turn to, and I have never doubted whether he would be there to help me, he always has. He is an amazing man! I feel truly blessed to have him in my life.
Given all of that, the question of 'connection or attachment' still is not answered. I am obviously attached to him, he's been my only person for 5 years. So I need to find out where the connection is, that's where I come up short. He and I are SO different! We hold different views on practically everything you can think of. Neither one of us seems to feel completely, or even mostly, understood by the other. He questions my behavior, I question his and I'm starting to wonder if all of these questions, these misunderstandings and hurt feelings are unfix able as a couple. I'm starting to question whether we should even be together at all. Yes we love each other, neither of us wants to hurt the other. Is that enough of a reason to stay together?
The thought that crosses my mind often is 'someone could love him better than I can'. I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him. I want to him have all the love in the world and I know that there is someone who would meet his desires better than I do. I know he can be happier than he is with me. I will always be in his life, our son guarantees that. I will always love him, and I hope we can move past this and be close friends. I hope he will be able to see that I am ending our relationship because I love him. I want the absolute best for him, and I am not it, I will be his friend, I be support him and I will love him until the end of time. I will no longer hold him in a relationship that hurts him, I will not allow him to stay unhappy with me when he could find true happiness without me. This by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know that it is the right thing to do. I know there is someone better for him and I wish him the best in finding his happiness. I always be here for him, whenever he needs me, because he has always been there for me. I wish him the greatest of love.
At the same though these are the songs that are helping me work through the emotions I am feeling. Enjoy!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
In confusion and despair I ask
Why? Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to blame others for my pain?
In this moment I feel lost, I feel abandon and scared. I feel angry and defensive. I feel like I am all alone and no one truly knows me or the pain and fear I am feeling at this moment.
I want to blame others for my fear. I want to scream and yell at someone, tell them it's all their fault I feel this way. I want to cry and scream and throw a tantrum, and inside I am actually doing all of that. Maybe that's why I feel so awful right now.
On the outside I am trying to remain calm, logical, rational but on the inside I am every dark emotion you can imagine. It's like a storm inside me.I'm not sure how to fix it, get past it or go through it. I only know right now these feelings exist inside me. I know that ignoring them does not make them go away. So right now I acknowledge the storm within me. I look at the pain and the anger. I will not judge myself for feeling this way, I think that will only make the storm stronger, it will only create more pain within me.
So I just sit within the pain. I feel it, I accept that it is here. Right now that is all I know to do........
In this moment I feel lost, I feel abandon and scared. I feel angry and defensive. I feel like I am all alone and no one truly knows me or the pain and fear I am feeling at this moment.
I want to blame others for my fear. I want to scream and yell at someone, tell them it's all their fault I feel this way. I want to cry and scream and throw a tantrum, and inside I am actually doing all of that. Maybe that's why I feel so awful right now.
On the outside I am trying to remain calm, logical, rational but on the inside I am every dark emotion you can imagine. It's like a storm inside me.I'm not sure how to fix it, get past it or go through it. I only know right now these feelings exist inside me. I know that ignoring them does not make them go away. So right now I acknowledge the storm within me. I look at the pain and the anger. I will not judge myself for feeling this way, I think that will only make the storm stronger, it will only create more pain within me.
So I just sit within the pain. I feel it, I accept that it is here. Right now that is all I know to do........
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