I had a beautiful day today and then all of the sudden it flipped. I am acting irrational, angry, irritated and again I am resisting. Only a few hours ago I vowed not to resist. So I sit here, I write this and I breathe. I calm myself enough to try and find out why I went from so happy to so frustrated. I'm tired and hungry. I didn't plan the end of my day very well and now I feel anger and resistance to everything.
How can I mend these feelings? How can I get past them? Be kind to myself. In this moment though part of me is saying F*** being kind, F*** everyone and everything! Not good! So I will do what I know good and well I need to do to be kind to myself. I will get up, I will make myself dinner. I will take a bath and relax. I will be kind to the anger inside myself, I will not give into it. It sounds and feels like a whining child who needs someone to take control and nuture it. SInce this is a battle within myself the only one who can truly subdue that 'child' is me. So food a bath and calmness is what I will nuture myself with.
I will not give up on myself. I will not give into the anger and frustration or resistance that part of me is feeling. I will breathe, I will be kind to myself and I will get past this.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Resistance and Acceptance
A lot of what I have been reading for the last few months talks about resistance and acceptance, and in this moment I finally got it! I understand! I can see now that I spend all my time resisting. Whether it be my weight, my life, my partner, any and everything really. I constantly resist life. I make everything harder than it has to be, because I resist.
I looked up what resist means: To remain firm against the actions, effects, or force of; withstand and, to keep from giving in to or enjoying.
That is me, that is my behavior, on practically everything. In one of the books I read it said 'to resist the present moment is to resist the entire universe', or something like that. I understand it now though.
This diet is something I want, and feel like I have to do, yet I resist. The question I ask is why? Why do I resist this change? Is this change going to result in pain or loss for me??? No. Will my resistance make any situation better? No. All my resistance does is cause me pain. I get a headache I get upset and I try to fight to stay where I am, only to end up unhappy where I am.
Again my fear of the unknown is at the heart of my struggle. I have never been thin, I don't have any idea what I would look like thin. I have no idea how my life will change, but I am guaranteed that it will change. I know my attitude to life and how I perceive it will change with my weight loss, I'm not sure how it will change, again the unknown is present.
So I now realize, I have a choice, I always have had this choice but now I see it. I see the fork in the road, I know where one path leads, oreo cookies, Dr. Pepper, long pants in summer and a feeling of constant defeat. The other path....unknown. I have no idea what could be in store for me if I were to accept the things I have to do and quit resisting. I have no idea, where I will end up, what I will look like, who I will be.
The only guarantees I have is that I will always be. I will not stop existing, for I am energy, light and a piece of God. I am love and power. I am.
A new, unknown path lies before me and at this fork in the road I leave the old me. I leave resistance and pain and half-assing my life. I accept myself. I accept my power and my ability to transform. Life is meant to be a journey, it is meant to change, I accept those changes now. Even with the slight fear that clings to me I start off on this path with excitement, joy, love and comprehension that no matter what I run into down this path I am ready!
Damn the Man, Save the Empire! LOL! I love that line :)
Living Inspired,
Micah
I looked up what resist means: To remain firm against the actions, effects, or force of; withstand and, to keep from giving in to or enjoying.
That is me, that is my behavior, on practically everything. In one of the books I read it said 'to resist the present moment is to resist the entire universe', or something like that. I understand it now though.
This diet is something I want, and feel like I have to do, yet I resist. The question I ask is why? Why do I resist this change? Is this change going to result in pain or loss for me??? No. Will my resistance make any situation better? No. All my resistance does is cause me pain. I get a headache I get upset and I try to fight to stay where I am, only to end up unhappy where I am.
Again my fear of the unknown is at the heart of my struggle. I have never been thin, I don't have any idea what I would look like thin. I have no idea how my life will change, but I am guaranteed that it will change. I know my attitude to life and how I perceive it will change with my weight loss, I'm not sure how it will change, again the unknown is present.
So I now realize, I have a choice, I always have had this choice but now I see it. I see the fork in the road, I know where one path leads, oreo cookies, Dr. Pepper, long pants in summer and a feeling of constant defeat. The other path....unknown. I have no idea what could be in store for me if I were to accept the things I have to do and quit resisting. I have no idea, where I will end up, what I will look like, who I will be.
The only guarantees I have is that I will always be. I will not stop existing, for I am energy, light and a piece of God. I am love and power. I am.
A new, unknown path lies before me and at this fork in the road I leave the old me. I leave resistance and pain and half-assing my life. I accept myself. I accept my power and my ability to transform. Life is meant to be a journey, it is meant to change, I accept those changes now. Even with the slight fear that clings to me I start off on this path with excitement, joy, love and comprehension that no matter what I run into down this path I am ready!
Damn the Man, Save the Empire! LOL! I love that line :)
Living Inspired,
Micah
Sticking with it
I've mentioned before that I have a very hard time with follow through, consistency and sticking with anything. Well anything that is new and beneficial, anything different from my old behavior patterns. I am on day 2 of my diet and I am already feeling the desire to quit. My mind is saying 'it's no use, you're never gonna get thin. You have always been fat and you always will be fat. Just give up now and enjoy a cookie'. Ugh, I want to so bad! A part of me wants to just sit back and eat some cookies, have a Dr. Pepper and accept that this is the way I look and there is nothing I can do about it.
The thing is.....I don't believe that anymore. I CAN do something about it. I don't have to be fat, I have chosen to be fat. I have chosen to be stubborn and not change. How is my body suppose to change if I will not put forth the effort to change it??? Simple ideas, I know, but that hasn't stopped me from maintaining the same behavior, and complaining about the lack of results.
I can no longer stay blind to my own behavior. I need to take a hard look at what I want, and if I truly want to get it I need to put forth the effort. I will no longer half-ass my life. What a waste it is when I spend hours at the gym only to come home and eat a whole package of double stuffed oreos, it doesn't make sense!
I am strong. I can make it through this, it's a diet change. I am getting rid of the old behaviors and starting new, healthy behaviors. It is hard! The moment I said that, the loving voice inside my head said 'it is only as hard as you make it', and that is so true. I can see it now........
The thing is.....I don't believe that anymore. I CAN do something about it. I don't have to be fat, I have chosen to be fat. I have chosen to be stubborn and not change. How is my body suppose to change if I will not put forth the effort to change it??? Simple ideas, I know, but that hasn't stopped me from maintaining the same behavior, and complaining about the lack of results.
I can no longer stay blind to my own behavior. I need to take a hard look at what I want, and if I truly want to get it I need to put forth the effort. I will no longer half-ass my life. What a waste it is when I spend hours at the gym only to come home and eat a whole package of double stuffed oreos, it doesn't make sense!
I am strong. I can make it through this, it's a diet change. I am getting rid of the old behaviors and starting new, healthy behaviors. It is hard! The moment I said that, the loving voice inside my head said 'it is only as hard as you make it', and that is so true. I can see it now........
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Not fun, not fun at all
Acceptance can be a very hard thing. There are certain behaviors I am trying to quit/replace with more beneficial behaviors. I want to log this process. I want to document my weight loss with pictures. I know that at the end of the process I will be thankful that I documented the process, but now, in the beginning, I am scared. I do not want to see what I look like, once I see what I look like I cannot stay blind to the fact that I have let myself and my body spiral out of control. I don't want to look at the picture because once I do I will feel ashamed and embarrassed. Those feeling of shame and embarrassment can be paralyzing! Those feelings have helped keep me exactly where I am right now.
I can already feel those feelings and anxiety coming up inside me and I am just thinking about taking pictures. I am putting this in my blog as an example of what I seem to go through everyday with my emotions. I get so worked up over trivial little things. These are the moments that it is necessary to be kind to myself, or I will never move from this place I am now.
So what do I say to myself in this situation? What would I say to my dearest friend?
I say to myself as kindly and calmly as possible that everything will be okay. I tell myself that taking the pictures is something I can do if I want. I tell myself that I have options, I can take the picture and keep it to myself until I am ready to put it out there. Since I know I want to do this, take these pictures, then I remind myself that this is the documentation of the begining of my process, this is a starting point. I remind myself that if I stick to the program I am setting up for myself this will be a picture that shows how far I have progressed. I tell myself that the ones who love me already know what I look like and they have continued to love me, even if I haven't been able to love myself. With these words my resolve becomes stronger. The voice inside my head that's saying all the mean things gets drown out by the loving voice. It has taken me months to build up this love. It has taken months to start and see that my only Knight in shining armour is myself. No one can save me from the demons in my head, only I can.
I of course still don't want to take the picture, but I will. I will take the picture without judging myself. I will take the picture and accept that this is who I am now. This is my starting point. I will take the picture knowing that when I reach my goal someone may benefit for seeing my journey and this first picture will provide them with comfort and hope that they can do this as well.
I can already feel those feelings and anxiety coming up inside me and I am just thinking about taking pictures. I am putting this in my blog as an example of what I seem to go through everyday with my emotions. I get so worked up over trivial little things. These are the moments that it is necessary to be kind to myself, or I will never move from this place I am now.
So what do I say to myself in this situation? What would I say to my dearest friend?
I say to myself as kindly and calmly as possible that everything will be okay. I tell myself that taking the pictures is something I can do if I want. I tell myself that I have options, I can take the picture and keep it to myself until I am ready to put it out there. Since I know I want to do this, take these pictures, then I remind myself that this is the documentation of the begining of my process, this is a starting point. I remind myself that if I stick to the program I am setting up for myself this will be a picture that shows how far I have progressed. I tell myself that the ones who love me already know what I look like and they have continued to love me, even if I haven't been able to love myself. With these words my resolve becomes stronger. The voice inside my head that's saying all the mean things gets drown out by the loving voice. It has taken me months to build up this love. It has taken months to start and see that my only Knight in shining armour is myself. No one can save me from the demons in my head, only I can.
I of course still don't want to take the picture, but I will. I will take the picture without judging myself. I will take the picture and accept that this is who I am now. This is my starting point. I will take the picture knowing that when I reach my goal someone may benefit for seeing my journey and this first picture will provide them with comfort and hope that they can do this as well.
Who have I been and how do I want to be?
Who have I been?
I have spent my life being someone who is afraid of life itself. I have spent my years being mean to myself, hurting myself and allowing others to hurt me as well. I have been a closet binge eater. A smoker of a pack of cigarettes a day when I am a severe asthmatic. I have done everything I can possibly think of to do to keep myself down. I have verbally and physically and emotionally beaten myself up on a daily basis. I have been in a severe self destruct mode for at least the last 15 years.
Who do I want to be?
I want to be....me. The real, true me. I want to be capable of showing who I am without feeling judged or embarrassed, without feeling like I need to hold back or sensor myself. I do believe that within me there is an amazing being, I want to let that being out. I want to shine, not so people notice me but so that I may fulfill my destiny.
I know within my soul there is a purpose for my life. I'm sure that if I were to be kind to myself and eliminate my toxic behaviors my true self would be sure to shine through.
This is how I see it: We are beings of light, energy and love. We are all connected, not only to one another, but also to the creator of life. I see it like being a type of filter. When we are clean and pure the light of love and creation shine through us, when we are in that phase we can find our pure potential, our destiny, our reason for our existence here on Earth.
When we allow the world, and worldly things to attach themselves to us they have the ability to clog our connection to creation. The more worldly things we allow ourselves to become attached the more clogged that connection becomes. When that connection becomes clogged we begin to feel alone, lost and we lose our ability to feel our connection to anything or anyone. If we were to let go of certain worldly things, we be more able to feel our connection and our connection to life would shine through us. I hope this makes sense. I am trying to explain the way I see things within my own mind, it may sound like gibberish to some but I know the idea is good.
I want to be one that light shines through. I want to feel and know my connection with creation because I know once I allow creation to shine through me I will be fulling my destiny. Imagine what the world would be like if each of us were a clear and open enough filter to allow creation to shine through us.......the world would be a completely different place. Instead of being run by greed and 'each man for himself' we would all realize that we are one. There would be love and forgiveness and compassion, there would be a kinship that I believe each of us longs for. Perhaps we all look for an intimate connection because we know, within our essence that kinship and oneness is our basic element. We all long for connection because at our core we know connection is what our existence is all about.
Consider it.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I love the song and I am a Grey's Fan too so it worked in both ways :)
I have spent my life being someone who is afraid of life itself. I have spent my years being mean to myself, hurting myself and allowing others to hurt me as well. I have been a closet binge eater. A smoker of a pack of cigarettes a day when I am a severe asthmatic. I have done everything I can possibly think of to do to keep myself down. I have verbally and physically and emotionally beaten myself up on a daily basis. I have been in a severe self destruct mode for at least the last 15 years.
Who do I want to be?
I want to be....me. The real, true me. I want to be capable of showing who I am without feeling judged or embarrassed, without feeling like I need to hold back or sensor myself. I do believe that within me there is an amazing being, I want to let that being out. I want to shine, not so people notice me but so that I may fulfill my destiny.
I know within my soul there is a purpose for my life. I'm sure that if I were to be kind to myself and eliminate my toxic behaviors my true self would be sure to shine through.
This is how I see it: We are beings of light, energy and love. We are all connected, not only to one another, but also to the creator of life. I see it like being a type of filter. When we are clean and pure the light of love and creation shine through us, when we are in that phase we can find our pure potential, our destiny, our reason for our existence here on Earth.
When we allow the world, and worldly things to attach themselves to us they have the ability to clog our connection to creation. The more worldly things we allow ourselves to become attached the more clogged that connection becomes. When that connection becomes clogged we begin to feel alone, lost and we lose our ability to feel our connection to anything or anyone. If we were to let go of certain worldly things, we be more able to feel our connection and our connection to life would shine through us. I hope this makes sense. I am trying to explain the way I see things within my own mind, it may sound like gibberish to some but I know the idea is good.
I want to be one that light shines through. I want to feel and know my connection with creation because I know once I allow creation to shine through me I will be fulling my destiny. Imagine what the world would be like if each of us were a clear and open enough filter to allow creation to shine through us.......the world would be a completely different place. Instead of being run by greed and 'each man for himself' we would all realize that we are one. There would be love and forgiveness and compassion, there would be a kinship that I believe each of us longs for. Perhaps we all look for an intimate connection because we know, within our essence that kinship and oneness is our basic element. We all long for connection because at our core we know connection is what our existence is all about.
Consider it.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I love the song and I am a Grey's Fan too so it worked in both ways :)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Lift Me Up
I mentioned before that I am redecorating my house. I have not put up pictures because I am not done. I should be done at the end of this month though. My lift me up is about this beautiful new table and chairs I got for my kitchen. They are the perfect size, perfect color and were the perfect price. I love it and cannot wait until my kitchen is done so I can show it off.
The redecorating has been a ton of work and I m so glad that my boyfriend has continued to help me with this. I feel blessed to have the people who I have in my life.
The redecorating has been a ton of work and I m so glad that my boyfriend has continued to help me with this. I feel blessed to have the people who I have in my life.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
How do I mainfest my potential?
This is a question I have pondered for a long time. Now that I have realized that the reason I stay where I am and behave in the manner I do is all out of fear of the unknown now I have an opportunity to move ahead.
I understand that the unknown is where I want to be. The unknown is where my potential lies.
So how do I move myself to where I want to be, when I know that part of me is afraid???? That I'm not sure of, that's why I do this. That is why I write these things. I am trying you figure myself out enough to move past myself. People always say things like "I am my own obstacle" I believe that is completely true, I am my own obstacle course! There is always some other wall I need to climb over or some trench I could get stuck in. Instead of looking at this journey as something tedious I am looking at this as an adventure. I am freeing myself from the prison of my own mind, it's scary and exhilarating all at the same time.
I understand that the unknown is where I want to be. The unknown is where my potential lies.
So how do I move myself to where I want to be, when I know that part of me is afraid???? That I'm not sure of, that's why I do this. That is why I write these things. I am trying you figure myself out enough to move past myself. People always say things like "I am my own obstacle" I believe that is completely true, I am my own obstacle course! There is always some other wall I need to climb over or some trench I could get stuck in. Instead of looking at this journey as something tedious I am looking at this as an adventure. I am freeing myself from the prison of my own mind, it's scary and exhilarating all at the same time.
Waiting to See
I love that Lyric. Waiting to see what I might be, if released from chains that bind me from within. That line speaks to my soul.
I have spent years not seeing who I am. Every time I looked in the mirror I have seen every negative thought I could think about myself. I have seen ugliness, defeat and failure in the mirror. In this new 'being kind' to myself behavior I have begun to remove the layers of negativity. I have begun to see myself :)
I have been reading Eckhart Tolle, all of this titles, he talks a lot about The Power of Now. Here's how I understand it: When you spend your time being in the moment instead of judging it you can make the most of that moment. I have spent countless years over thinking every single move I make. I think about what my reaction will bring, and then what this person will say and do, and how I will react back. All of that thinking of this situations and it's possible negative outcome has left me paralysed. Instead of living my life and having actual experiences I have imagined my life, it's situations and my happiness or demise.
One wonderful example I have for this is my weight. I have been overweight since High School. After having kids it got worse. I have spent 15 years being unhappy with my body. I have committed to try and lose weight more times than I can count. I have yet to lose anything. I have weighed the same thing since I was 19 years old.
My weight has been 2 things for me. First, it has been my safety. No one can see the real me, not when I'm hiding under 50lbs of fat. I use my weight hide. I always talk about losing weight. I always say things like 'When I get thin I'm going to be so hot!' or 'You have no idea how pretty I am under all this weight'. The normal comments of a person who knows they have potential but who would rather talk about their potential instead of putting forth the effort to show it.
I start new workout regimens and diets all the time, only to fall off within a week of starting. I lose 2 lbs one week and gain 6 the next. The question I ask myself today is why? Why am I constantly holding myself in a pattern that I know does not benefit me?
The answer is I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the unknown. I have no idea what I would look like at my correct weight. I have no idea what my life would be like if I didn't have this constant handicap . I don't wear the clothes I want to wear, I don't talk to the people I want to talk to, I don't do the things I want to do all because I am afraid of the unknown. In my imagination I see this very confidant woman who dresses nicely all the time. She is always wearing something beautiful and feminine. She is funny and smart and confident and I can see happiness shining through her. She a woman who helps others and inspires others to be their best. She teaches them to get out of their heads and to become present and live life. I know this woman is inside of me. Now my question to myself is how do I bring her out?
I have spent years not seeing who I am. Every time I looked in the mirror I have seen every negative thought I could think about myself. I have seen ugliness, defeat and failure in the mirror. In this new 'being kind' to myself behavior I have begun to remove the layers of negativity. I have begun to see myself :)
I have been reading Eckhart Tolle, all of this titles, he talks a lot about The Power of Now. Here's how I understand it: When you spend your time being in the moment instead of judging it you can make the most of that moment. I have spent countless years over thinking every single move I make. I think about what my reaction will bring, and then what this person will say and do, and how I will react back. All of that thinking of this situations and it's possible negative outcome has left me paralysed. Instead of living my life and having actual experiences I have imagined my life, it's situations and my happiness or demise.
One wonderful example I have for this is my weight. I have been overweight since High School. After having kids it got worse. I have spent 15 years being unhappy with my body. I have committed to try and lose weight more times than I can count. I have yet to lose anything. I have weighed the same thing since I was 19 years old.
My weight has been 2 things for me. First, it has been my safety. No one can see the real me, not when I'm hiding under 50lbs of fat. I use my weight hide. I always talk about losing weight. I always say things like 'When I get thin I'm going to be so hot!' or 'You have no idea how pretty I am under all this weight'. The normal comments of a person who knows they have potential but who would rather talk about their potential instead of putting forth the effort to show it.
I start new workout regimens and diets all the time, only to fall off within a week of starting. I lose 2 lbs one week and gain 6 the next. The question I ask myself today is why? Why am I constantly holding myself in a pattern that I know does not benefit me?
The answer is I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the unknown. I have no idea what I would look like at my correct weight. I have no idea what my life would be like if I didn't have this constant handicap . I don't wear the clothes I want to wear, I don't talk to the people I want to talk to, I don't do the things I want to do all because I am afraid of the unknown. In my imagination I see this very confidant woman who dresses nicely all the time. She is always wearing something beautiful and feminine. She is funny and smart and confident and I can see happiness shining through her. She a woman who helps others and inspires others to be their best. She teaches them to get out of their heads and to become present and live life. I know this woman is inside of me. Now my question to myself is how do I bring her out?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
