I am constantly quoting song lyrics. I Love music! I love the way a song can lift me up now matter how sad I am, so I decided to list some of my favorite lyrics. Some are meaningful and some are just fun. Enjoy!
I have quite a few from Sara Bareilles, I think she rocks!
Love Song : I am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts With her delicate soul I don't claim to know much except soon as you start To make room for the parts That aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of Love
Only gonna get get what you give away, So give love
The whole Waiting to See song! But this lyric specifically: Waiting to see what I might be if released from chains that bind me from within But I’m holding out from feelings of doubt that capture my release I’m waiting for peace.
Fatboy Slim That Old Pair Of Jeans: Life is too short to be unhappy And since I know what I'm worth there'll be no settling for dirt Knowing what I deserve is gold If I want diamonds then I can't settle for coal
Beatles Let it Be
Those are the ones I can think of now, I will add more when I think of them :)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Feelin' better everyday
I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the joy I have been feeling in my life lately. I have been being kind to myself and am really enjoying the results! I just finished, The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, by far one of the best reads ever! I already bought myself a copy on Amazon and I can't wait to get it and read it again. In Eckart Tolle's book he talked about the Pain Body, something I understand well. I will explain this as I understood it. The Pain Body is that negative, hurtful place inside each of us. The place inside us that reminds us of hurtful things, the voice that says the mean things, that feeling of dread and anxiety that comes from within us, and not from an outside source. I have lived with that voice and dread and memory of everything I did wrong for years! In E.T's book he says that our Pain Body is not us. We are first Consciousness, Awareness, however you see it.......
I have to say that as much as I am learning to understand these concepts, I am not anywhere near as far as I could be in the practice of these habits yet. As I try to write this now, the negativity within in me is again, telling me to stop. 'Why waste your time. No one's going to want to listen to you. And, IF they do listen, they'll never understand where you are coming from or, what your trying to explain. They're gonna think you're nuts!'
That voice, my abuser, is still strong inside of me. Like I said before, it cannot be escaped. I often refer to the voice in my head as a 'he'. The voice is loud and overbearing and it makes me think of a mean, huge, hateful man. He does not have a face, but his words are vicious. They feel like actual blows to my body. 'His' words literally attack my soul. He does whatever he can to tear me down. Reminds me of every single bad moment of my life, and trust me according to him, there are a TON!
You want to know where the growing is going on with me????
It's the realization that that voice inside me, is not me. That voice inside me is something mean and hurtful. A culmination of every single pain I ever perceived in my life. It can be the most obscure thing, and it hurts forever, it ridiculous! Giving my Mom a Fake Soda can, and her being so happy to get it, only to realize it's empty. Prank calling as a kid. Playing with the steering wheel while a friend was driving. I am not saying all of the examples are not things I shouldn't have done, and obviously never do again. What I'm saying is those were actions I took once, and I have never repeated again. However I have spent the last however many years, some 2 decades, still dealing with the pain of those stupid actions, taken once. I can still feel every bit of pain those situations and memories bring.
It shouldn't be that way.
I am constantly growing, I am never the same person. I am constantly changing, evolving, transforming myself and my life with each thought I take. Each little thought I consider I change myself with. Each new behavior I try changes me. I am in a constant stage of metamorphosis. That is what life is meant to be. Everything changes. So the me who took those actions no longer exists, and hasn't in years. I know now that I can take the lesson of those actions and get rid of the pain that comes with those decisions because the person who made those decisions has been replaced by a new. Life feels good knowing that. I feel wiser. I look at my past as just that, past, no longer. What I have is today, this moment, now, to be exact. I try to stay in the now. In the now where my past doesn't exist, nor does my future, the only thing that matters is how I behave now. I can't watch the show of my life and listen to the critic at the same time. Now I ignore him. He acts like he already knows what's gonna happen and he's never even seen the whole movie, Dumbass!!!! LOL! :)
In realizing that I am not him, I have less fear of his words or judgements. I realize now that he can only show me what I have already done, not what I can do. He wants to hold me here because he knows that if I were to not listen to him I would not be so afraid. I might actually live this life! My fear, guilt and regret for past mistakes feeds him. My being kind to myself feeds me. My heart, my soul, with that food, kindness, my heart, my soul are replenished. They are stronger. They respond to those attacks that I thought couldn't be silenced. My hearts glows with love. Love for myself and others because I do not feel trapped any longer. I don't have to hide from him because I no longer believe in what he says. I believe what my heart and my soul tell me. They tell me that I was made of love, I was made to love, I was made to be love. My fear, his voice, cannot beat my love that I feel coming through me. So now instead of hearing a Strong man who can hurt me I hear a Stupid Old Man who knows nothing!
Damn the Man, Save the Empire! :)
I have to say that as much as I am learning to understand these concepts, I am not anywhere near as far as I could be in the practice of these habits yet. As I try to write this now, the negativity within in me is again, telling me to stop. 'Why waste your time. No one's going to want to listen to you. And, IF they do listen, they'll never understand where you are coming from or, what your trying to explain. They're gonna think you're nuts!'
That voice, my abuser, is still strong inside of me. Like I said before, it cannot be escaped. I often refer to the voice in my head as a 'he'. The voice is loud and overbearing and it makes me think of a mean, huge, hateful man. He does not have a face, but his words are vicious. They feel like actual blows to my body. 'His' words literally attack my soul. He does whatever he can to tear me down. Reminds me of every single bad moment of my life, and trust me according to him, there are a TON!
You want to know where the growing is going on with me????
It's the realization that that voice inside me, is not me. That voice inside me is something mean and hurtful. A culmination of every single pain I ever perceived in my life. It can be the most obscure thing, and it hurts forever, it ridiculous! Giving my Mom a Fake Soda can, and her being so happy to get it, only to realize it's empty. Prank calling as a kid. Playing with the steering wheel while a friend was driving. I am not saying all of the examples are not things I shouldn't have done, and obviously never do again. What I'm saying is those were actions I took once, and I have never repeated again. However I have spent the last however many years, some 2 decades, still dealing with the pain of those stupid actions, taken once. I can still feel every bit of pain those situations and memories bring.
It shouldn't be that way.
I am constantly growing, I am never the same person. I am constantly changing, evolving, transforming myself and my life with each thought I take. Each little thought I consider I change myself with. Each new behavior I try changes me. I am in a constant stage of metamorphosis. That is what life is meant to be. Everything changes. So the me who took those actions no longer exists, and hasn't in years. I know now that I can take the lesson of those actions and get rid of the pain that comes with those decisions because the person who made those decisions has been replaced by a new. Life feels good knowing that. I feel wiser. I look at my past as just that, past, no longer. What I have is today, this moment, now, to be exact. I try to stay in the now. In the now where my past doesn't exist, nor does my future, the only thing that matters is how I behave now. I can't watch the show of my life and listen to the critic at the same time. Now I ignore him. He acts like he already knows what's gonna happen and he's never even seen the whole movie, Dumbass!!!! LOL! :)
In realizing that I am not him, I have less fear of his words or judgements. I realize now that he can only show me what I have already done, not what I can do. He wants to hold me here because he knows that if I were to not listen to him I would not be so afraid. I might actually live this life! My fear, guilt and regret for past mistakes feeds him. My being kind to myself feeds me. My heart, my soul, with that food, kindness, my heart, my soul are replenished. They are stronger. They respond to those attacks that I thought couldn't be silenced. My hearts glows with love. Love for myself and others because I do not feel trapped any longer. I don't have to hide from him because I no longer believe in what he says. I believe what my heart and my soul tell me. They tell me that I was made of love, I was made to love, I was made to be love. My fear, his voice, cannot beat my love that I feel coming through me. So now instead of hearing a Strong man who can hurt me I hear a Stupid Old Man who knows nothing!
Damn the Man, Save the Empire! :)
Friday, April 24, 2009
Oneness
I surprised myself when reading my latest blog entry. In it I wrote "I will no longer allow myself to be trapped within a mind that only abuses my soul!". I realized how true that is. I've been doing a lot of reading. As I have said before I read a lot of Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Abraham Hicks and I have recently started reading Eckhart Tolle, I think he may be my favorite. He talks a lot about the Ego, the Pain-Body and the Being. The Ego and Pain-Body are of course the ones who constantly holds us down. They are the abusers within us. If we were able to see past the Pain Body and Ego, if we were able to see or feel our Being, then we would not be trapped. The being is the oneness with God, the Piece/Peace of God I talk about. Eckhart Tolle calls it being, as do others, I call it as I understand it.
Our piece of God is our basic essence. It is the one true part of us, it is everything we are. All of our power and love come from this piece of God. Our Ego and Pain-Body come from life on Earth. They come from the family aspects we learn in this life, from our personal experiences and from everything that influences in this life. The reason they become so strong within us is because the outside world is the one we all normally cater to here on Earth.
We are not taught to learn about ourselves from looking within ourselves. We are not taught that we are all good, first and foremost. We are not praised for being a magnificent creatures. We do not look at this life we live together as an amazing experience that we are all extreme blessed to be experiencing together. We do not see the collective, the connection we all possess to each other and to the Earth.
Instead we focus on the outside world.
If we were to wake up and realize that this life and it's experiences are gifts we would be a happier people. If we were to understand that we are here together on this journey and none of us are truly alone, maybe we are a little off our path, but we are not alone, then we would be a happier people. If we were to try to heal ourselves instead of looking for someone else to fix us we would have less blame in this Earth and we would be a happier people.
I think a lot of people walk around feeling lost, trapped and because no one will come and save them they stay in an unhappy life. Once they have the realization that the only person who can truly save them is themselves then then will see the power within in themselves. The power of God or Source or Being whatever you want to call the connection we have with life. That power resides within us, not with out, if we could understand and nurture that connection to life we could heal ourselves.
Consider it!
Living Inspired,
Micah
Our piece of God is our basic essence. It is the one true part of us, it is everything we are. All of our power and love come from this piece of God. Our Ego and Pain-Body come from life on Earth. They come from the family aspects we learn in this life, from our personal experiences and from everything that influences in this life. The reason they become so strong within us is because the outside world is the one we all normally cater to here on Earth.
We are not taught to learn about ourselves from looking within ourselves. We are not taught that we are all good, first and foremost. We are not praised for being a magnificent creatures. We do not look at this life we live together as an amazing experience that we are all extreme blessed to be experiencing together. We do not see the collective, the connection we all possess to each other and to the Earth.
Instead we focus on the outside world.
If we were to wake up and realize that this life and it's experiences are gifts we would be a happier people. If we were to understand that we are here together on this journey and none of us are truly alone, maybe we are a little off our path, but we are not alone, then we would be a happier people. If we were to try to heal ourselves instead of looking for someone else to fix us we would have less blame in this Earth and we would be a happier people.
I think a lot of people walk around feeling lost, trapped and because no one will come and save them they stay in an unhappy life. Once they have the realization that the only person who can truly save them is themselves then then will see the power within in themselves. The power of God or Source or Being whatever you want to call the connection we have with life. That power resides within us, not with out, if we could understand and nurture that connection to life we could heal ourselves.
Consider it!
Living Inspired,
Micah
Saving Myself
I am the only one who can save me, scary thought sometimes. There are times when the devil in my head tells me there is no way I will ever be able to do it. I've been trapped too long, I can't possibly become free now.
I have to become free! I have to save myself! How do I go about doing that though?
What I have started with is being kind. I know their is a part of me that is extremely broken. Their is that woman who has been beaten down and battered inside of me. For years I have not wanted to accept that, claiming that I am stronger than that. Living my life lying to myself, that I would never let anyone treat me so callously when in actually, I never needed anyone to treat me that way, I treated myself that way. It's doesn't matter to me why I started treating myself that way all that matters to me is that I stop. All that matters is saving myself from myself. So for now I am being kind. I am treating myself how I would treat my best friend or mother or daughter if she was beaten and broken down. I am not judging myself. I am not saying 'you should do this or you should do that' I am being calm and silent and trying to find peace within myself.
I have been doing this for quite a while now and I am pleased with the progress I have made. That voice inside my head doesn't seem as strong. It does still pop up yet when it does I am more able to kindly tell myself that the things that are said are not the truth. I am able to counter the attacks with positive information. I am not doing anything other than being kind to myself. I am allowing the hurt woman inside me to have time to heal the wounds, without judgement or recommendations on how to fix any of hurt. I am allowing myself to make friends, the voice that has always told me everyone is out to get or hurt me is no longer the first voice I hear. Instead I hear a gentler voice that says, you are worth having friends. People can and do like you for who you are right now, not who you are going to be, but who you are.
The mean voice in my head is telling me how people will judge all of this. How stupid I am for putting this out there, how people will laugh at me and think that I am nuts for not only thinking this way but, admitting to it. That I belong in a Loony Bin! All of that hurts, and part of me does believe that could be true. The thoughts bring me pain and tears and fear.
But I am being kind to myself so, I will not allow myself to dwell on the feelings. I will tell myself, as I would tell a loved one, that I am beautiful and lovable and smart. I will allow myself to post this because it takes a tremendous amount of courage to put myself out there. To stand up and acknowledge that inside here, behind the voice of defeat, is an amazing person. I am worth being able to speak my mind. I am not stupid or nuts. I will no longer allow myself to be trapped within a mind that only abuses my soul! I will find courage and strength and take steps to become free of the negativity that currently runs my life and my thoughts. Someday I will be free, kindness to myself will help me get me there.
It's amazing to me how all of this actually is playing out inside of me. It's literally like a war! Insane right, not really but, I think you know what I mean. Now I have a headache :)
I have to become free! I have to save myself! How do I go about doing that though?
What I have started with is being kind. I know their is a part of me that is extremely broken. Their is that woman who has been beaten down and battered inside of me. For years I have not wanted to accept that, claiming that I am stronger than that. Living my life lying to myself, that I would never let anyone treat me so callously when in actually, I never needed anyone to treat me that way, I treated myself that way. It's doesn't matter to me why I started treating myself that way all that matters to me is that I stop. All that matters is saving myself from myself. So for now I am being kind. I am treating myself how I would treat my best friend or mother or daughter if she was beaten and broken down. I am not judging myself. I am not saying 'you should do this or you should do that' I am being calm and silent and trying to find peace within myself.
I have been doing this for quite a while now and I am pleased with the progress I have made. That voice inside my head doesn't seem as strong. It does still pop up yet when it does I am more able to kindly tell myself that the things that are said are not the truth. I am able to counter the attacks with positive information. I am not doing anything other than being kind to myself. I am allowing the hurt woman inside me to have time to heal the wounds, without judgement or recommendations on how to fix any of hurt. I am allowing myself to make friends, the voice that has always told me everyone is out to get or hurt me is no longer the first voice I hear. Instead I hear a gentler voice that says, you are worth having friends. People can and do like you for who you are right now, not who you are going to be, but who you are.
The mean voice in my head is telling me how people will judge all of this. How stupid I am for putting this out there, how people will laugh at me and think that I am nuts for not only thinking this way but, admitting to it. That I belong in a Loony Bin! All of that hurts, and part of me does believe that could be true. The thoughts bring me pain and tears and fear.
But I am being kind to myself so, I will not allow myself to dwell on the feelings. I will tell myself, as I would tell a loved one, that I am beautiful and lovable and smart. I will allow myself to post this because it takes a tremendous amount of courage to put myself out there. To stand up and acknowledge that inside here, behind the voice of defeat, is an amazing person. I am worth being able to speak my mind. I am not stupid or nuts. I will no longer allow myself to be trapped within a mind that only abuses my soul! I will find courage and strength and take steps to become free of the negativity that currently runs my life and my thoughts. Someday I will be free, kindness to myself will help me get me there.
It's amazing to me how all of this actually is playing out inside of me. It's literally like a war! Insane right, not really but, I think you know what I mean. Now I have a headache :)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Hiding from the abuser
I'm not sure I should say hiding from or standing up to but honestly it's easier to hide first, gather your courage and then stand up. At least in my opinion. So I think I have been doing whatever it is I have to do to hide from my abuser within myself. I try not to do anything that will awaken that voice within my head. The problem with that type of behavior is I spend a lot of time doing nothing. Tied down within myself, how I can do anything when the one who will yell at me and berad me is always along for the ride. I can't really hide from the one who hurts me. I cannot disappear and know that voice will not know what I am doing. I can't do anything behind my own back. So hiding and building courage is not really gonna work in this situation. I have my abuser with me every second of every day, without any break, it is always there!
The voice inside of my head knows when I call out for help. It knows every single bad thought I have and it capitalizes on every single negative point it can. This voice tries to make me think I am evil, hateful and not worth anything. It tries to make me think I am it.
I have noticed that I am not this voice though. I have noticed the piece/peace of God within myself.
The voice inside of my head knows when I call out for help. It knows every single bad thought I have and it capitalizes on every single negative point it can. This voice tries to make me think I am evil, hateful and not worth anything. It tries to make me think I am it.
I have noticed that I am not this voice though. I have noticed the piece/peace of God within myself.
I will make it through today.
It's probably extremely difficult to follow my blog, I'm so random about it, not a good thing for a blogger. It is what it is though. I could keep on ignoring this blog, like I have been, hoping I don't know what. It's kind of like diets or people you should call, you wait a bit to long and you just feel bad, and there doesn't seem to be an appropriate way to get back in.
In those situations you can tell who someone is. In this situation I have found out another part of myself. I have decided to get up and try again. I am scared, I am hesitant and am trying very hard to act like this isn't something huge! To most it isn't a big thing. None of you can hear inside my head, all the mean things that I say to myself. Not one person could be as hard on me as I am on myself. Even saying that I can hear the mean response that are possible responding in my head. What a horrible way to live! Constantly being chastised by yourself, seriously! It makes it extremely hard to to absolutely anything!
I know I'm not the only one who lives with their own devil in their head. It's insane to think about really. That little voice in my head who beats me up emotionally everyday is like my own personal abusive husband, or mother or father or whatever LOL!!!! The person who makes me feel less than, who holds me back from getting to know people, who tells me no one wants to know me anyway is in my head. How do you overcome something like that?
When it is an abusive husband or 'outside person' other people can hear the attacks, they can counter them with something good. You cannot imagine the hateful things I say to myself, nor could I imagine what you say to yourself. I cannot truly help you and you cannot truly help me. We are our own devils and our own angels. The only person who can truly hear, and counter my vicious attacks upon myself is myself. Talk about a messed up situation!
How do I gain power of the one who has controlled me, ingrained in me, every evil hurtful idea about myself that I could ever imagine??
How I do stand to myself for myself?
In those situations you can tell who someone is. In this situation I have found out another part of myself. I have decided to get up and try again. I am scared, I am hesitant and am trying very hard to act like this isn't something huge! To most it isn't a big thing. None of you can hear inside my head, all the mean things that I say to myself. Not one person could be as hard on me as I am on myself. Even saying that I can hear the mean response that are possible responding in my head. What a horrible way to live! Constantly being chastised by yourself, seriously! It makes it extremely hard to to absolutely anything!
I know I'm not the only one who lives with their own devil in their head. It's insane to think about really. That little voice in my head who beats me up emotionally everyday is like my own personal abusive husband, or mother or father or whatever LOL!!!! The person who makes me feel less than, who holds me back from getting to know people, who tells me no one wants to know me anyway is in my head. How do you overcome something like that?
When it is an abusive husband or 'outside person' other people can hear the attacks, they can counter them with something good. You cannot imagine the hateful things I say to myself, nor could I imagine what you say to yourself. I cannot truly help you and you cannot truly help me. We are our own devils and our own angels. The only person who can truly hear, and counter my vicious attacks upon myself is myself. Talk about a messed up situation!
How do I gain power of the one who has controlled me, ingrained in me, every evil hurtful idea about myself that I could ever imagine??
How I do stand to myself for myself?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Do I know who I am?
I've been asking myself a lot lately. I'm learning to identify more with my spirit and less with my mind and in learning how to do this I always come back to the question Who am I? I know deep down inside that I am more that what I appear to be. I know that my true self is not this person I appear to be in this world.
In this world Micah [my mind] has become so fragmented by life's situations. The life situations seemed to have pushed me deeper within myself. I doubted myself more and more with every situation. I doubted my spirit, the fire within me that burned so strongly once began to diminish. I used to be so strong minded. I loved myself for who I was and then all of the sudden I didn't anymore. My fears and insecurities got the best of me and all I was from then on was a ball of fears and insecurities. I never realized until recently that all my mind ever does is remind me that I should be embarrassed or ashamed of every single moment, comment or action I take. I have lived my life, at least for as long as I can remember, completely run by fears and insecurities.
Recently I began to see this, thank goodness. One major example of my fears of life show in the way I raise my daughter. I have spent years being embarrassed of her behavior. Every time she ventures to do something new I tend to hold her back, caution her, about the embarrassment she would experience if she did whatever she tried wrong.
My daughter is not me however, she has not learned to be so jaded, guarded and sceptical about the beauty and uniqueness she possesses, and for that I am truly thankful! She is an amazing girl! She does remind me so much of myself but at the same time there is no shame in her actions. She is who she is and she does not apologize for being who she is, I love her for that. I am beginning to follow her lead. I am so thankful I have her in my life. I am so thankful she is not exactly like me, trapped in fear of everything in life.
I hope one day to be as confident in myself as my daughter is in herself.
In this world Micah [my mind] has become so fragmented by life's situations. The life situations seemed to have pushed me deeper within myself. I doubted myself more and more with every situation. I doubted my spirit, the fire within me that burned so strongly once began to diminish. I used to be so strong minded. I loved myself for who I was and then all of the sudden I didn't anymore. My fears and insecurities got the best of me and all I was from then on was a ball of fears and insecurities. I never realized until recently that all my mind ever does is remind me that I should be embarrassed or ashamed of every single moment, comment or action I take. I have lived my life, at least for as long as I can remember, completely run by fears and insecurities.
Recently I began to see this, thank goodness. One major example of my fears of life show in the way I raise my daughter. I have spent years being embarrassed of her behavior. Every time she ventures to do something new I tend to hold her back, caution her, about the embarrassment she would experience if she did whatever she tried wrong.
My daughter is not me however, she has not learned to be so jaded, guarded and sceptical about the beauty and uniqueness she possesses, and for that I am truly thankful! She is an amazing girl! She does remind me so much of myself but at the same time there is no shame in her actions. She is who she is and she does not apologize for being who she is, I love her for that. I am beginning to follow her lead. I am so thankful I have her in my life. I am so thankful she is not exactly like me, trapped in fear of everything in life.
I hope one day to be as confident in myself as my daughter is in herself.
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