Feelin' better everyday

I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the joy I have been feeling in my life lately. I have been being kind to myself and am really enjoying the results! I just finished, The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, by far one of the best reads ever! I already bought myself a copy on Amazon and I can't wait to get it and read it again. In Eckart Tolle's book he talked about the Pain Body, something I understand well. I will explain this as I understood it. The Pain Body is that negative, hurtful place inside each of us. The place inside us that reminds us of hurtful things, the voice that says the mean things, that feeling of dread and anxiety that comes from within us, and not from an outside source. I have lived with that voice and dread and memory of everything I did wrong for years! In E.T's book he says that our Pain Body is not us. We are first Consciousness, Awareness, however you see it.......
I have to say that as much as I am learning to understand these concepts, I am not anywhere near as far as I could be in the practice of these habits yet. As I try to write this now, the negativity within in me is again, telling me to stop. 'Why waste your time. No one's going to want to listen to you. And, IF they do listen, they'll never understand where you are coming from or, what your trying to explain. They're gonna think you're nuts!'



That voice, my abuser, is still strong inside of me. Like I said before, it cannot be escaped. I often refer to the voice in my head as a 'he'. The voice is loud and overbearing and it makes me think of a mean, huge, hateful man. He does not have a face, but his words are vicious. They feel like actual blows to my body. 'His' words literally attack my soul. He does whatever he can to tear me down. Reminds me of every single bad moment of my life, and trust me according to him, there are a TON!
You want to know where the growing is going on with me????
It's the realization that that voice inside me, is not me. That voice inside me is something mean and hurtful. A culmination of every single pain I ever perceived in my life. It can be the most obscure thing, and it hurts forever, it ridiculous! Giving my Mom a Fake Soda can, and her being so happy to get it, only to realize it's empty. Prank calling as a kid. Playing with the steering wheel while a friend was driving. I am not saying all of the examples are not things I shouldn't have done, and obviously never do again. What I'm saying is those were actions I took once, and I have never repeated again. However I have spent the last however many years, some 2 decades, still dealing with the pain of those stupid actions, taken once. I can still feel every bit of pain those situations and memories bring.
It shouldn't be that way.

I am constantly growing, I am never the same person. I am constantly changing, evolving, transforming myself and my life with each thought I take. Each little thought I consider I change myself with. Each new behavior I try changes me. I am in a constant stage of metamorphosis. That is what life is meant to be. Everything changes. So the me who took those actions no longer exists, and hasn't in years. I know now that I can take the lesson of those actions and get rid of the pain that comes with those decisions because the person who made those decisions has been replaced by a new. Life feels good knowing that. I feel wiser. I look at my past as just that, past, no longer. What I have is today, this moment, now, to be exact. I try to stay in the now. In the now where my past doesn't exist, nor does my future, the only thing that matters is how I behave now. I can't watch the show of my life and listen to the critic at the same time. Now I ignore him. He acts like he already knows what's gonna happen and he's never even seen the whole movie, Dumbass!!!! LOL! :)
In realizing that I am not him, I have less fear of his words or judgements. I realize now that he can only show me what I have already done, not what I can do. He wants to hold me here because he knows that if I were to not listen to him I would not be so afraid. I might actually live this life! My fear, guilt and regret for past mistakes feeds him. My being kind to myself feeds me. My heart, my soul, with that food, kindness, my heart, my soul are replenished. They are stronger. They respond to those attacks that I thought couldn't be silenced. My hearts glows with love. Love for myself and others because I do not feel trapped any longer. I don't have to hide from him because I no longer believe in what he says. I believe what my heart and my soul tell me. They tell me that I was made of love, I was made to love, I was made to be love. My fear, his voice, cannot beat my love that I feel coming through me. So now instead of hearing a Strong man who can hurt me I hear a Stupid Old Man who knows nothing!


Damn the Man, Save the Empire! :)