Saving Myself

I am the only one who can save me, scary thought sometimes. There are times when the devil in my head tells me there is no way I will ever be able to do it. I've been trapped too long, I can't possibly become free now.

I have to become free! I have to save myself! How do I go about doing that though?

What I have started with is being kind. I know their is a part of me that is extremely broken. Their is that woman who has been beaten down and battered inside of me. For years I have not wanted to accept that, claiming that I am stronger than that. Living my life lying to myself, that I would never let anyone treat me so callously when in actually, I never needed anyone to treat me that way, I treated myself that way. It's doesn't matter to me why I started treating myself that way all that matters to me is that I stop. All that matters is saving myself from myself. So for now I am being kind. I am treating myself how I would treat my best friend or mother or daughter if she was beaten and broken down. I am not judging myself. I am not saying 'you should do this or you should do that' I am being calm and silent and trying to find peace within myself.

I have been doing this for quite a while now and I am pleased with the progress I have made. That voice inside my head doesn't seem as strong. It does still pop up yet when it does I am more able to kindly tell myself that the things that are said are not the truth. I am able to counter the attacks with positive information. I am not doing anything other than being kind to myself. I am allowing the hurt woman inside me to have time to heal the wounds, without judgement or recommendations on how to fix any of hurt. I am allowing myself to make friends, the voice that has always told me everyone is out to get or hurt me is no longer the first voice I hear. Instead I hear a gentler voice that says, you are worth having friends. People can and do like you for who you are right now, not who you are going to be, but who you are.

The mean voice in my head is telling me how people will judge all of this. How stupid I am for putting this out there, how people will laugh at me and think that I am nuts for not only thinking this way but, admitting to it. That I belong in a Loony Bin! All of that hurts, and part of me does believe that could be true. The thoughts bring me pain and tears and fear.

But I am being kind to myself so, I will not allow myself to dwell on the feelings. I will tell myself, as I would tell a loved one, that I am beautiful and lovable and smart. I will allow myself to post this because it takes a tremendous amount of courage to put myself out there. To stand up and acknowledge that inside here, behind the voice of defeat, is an amazing person. I am worth being able to speak my mind. I am not stupid or nuts. I will no longer allow myself to be trapped within a mind that only abuses my soul! I will find courage and strength and take steps to become free of the negativity that currently runs my life and my thoughts. Someday I will be free, kindness to myself will help me get me there.


It's amazing to me how all of this actually is playing out inside of me. It's literally like a war! Insane right, not really but, I think you know what I mean. Now I have a headache :)