Not fun, not fun at all

Acceptance can be a very hard thing. There are certain behaviors I am trying to quit/replace with more beneficial behaviors. I want to log this process. I want to document my weight loss with pictures. I know that at the end of the process I will be thankful that I documented the process, but now, in the beginning, I am scared. I do not want to see what I look like, once I see what I look like I cannot stay blind to the fact that I have let myself and my body spiral out of control. I don't want to look at the picture because once I do I will feel ashamed and embarrassed. Those feeling of shame and embarrassment can be paralyzing! Those feelings have helped keep me exactly where I am right now.

I can already feel those feelings and anxiety coming up inside me and I am just thinking about taking pictures. I am putting this in my blog as an example of what I seem to go through everyday with my emotions. I get so worked up over trivial little things. These are the moments that it is necessary to be kind to myself, or I will never move from this place I am now.

So what do I say to myself in this situation? What would I say to my dearest friend?

I say to myself as kindly and calmly as possible that everything will be okay. I tell myself that taking the pictures is something I can do if I want. I tell myself that I have options, I can take the picture and keep it to myself until I am ready to put it out there. Since I know I want to do this, take these pictures, then I remind myself that this is the documentation of the begining of my process, this is a starting point. I remind myself that if I stick to the program I am setting up for myself this will be a picture that shows how far I have progressed. I tell myself that the ones who love me already know what I look like and they have continued to love me, even if I haven't been able to love myself. With these words my resolve becomes stronger. The voice inside my head that's saying all the mean things gets drown out by the loving voice. It has taken me months to build up this love. It has taken months to start and see that my only Knight in shining armour is myself. No one can save me from the demons in my head, only I can.

I of course still don't want to take the picture, but I will. I will take the picture without judging myself. I will take the picture and accept that this is who I am now. This is my starting point. I will take the picture knowing that when I reach my goal someone may benefit for seeing my journey and this first picture will provide them with comfort and hope that they can do this as well.