Forgiveness

I've been having a harder time staying positive in the last few days. I have felt lonely. I have felt the lack of certain things I want in my life. I know that I have let a lot of things go recently to make room for newer, healthier things.

A part of me is acknowledging the lack of my desires. Another part of me feels as though this is a sort of test, a test of my faith. Do I really believe all the things I preach on this blog? Can I really look past the things that aren't exactly what I want them to be and still enjoy the present moment and where I am right now????

Yes, I can. I am blessed to be able to feel and be aware of where I am emotionally. Because I have worked on paying attention to my mood I was able to notice my sadness at an early stage and ask for assistance in moving past it. I received assistance in 2 forms yesterday.

I was lucky enough to have a friend stop by and get my mind onto more joyful ideas. We ended up having an enjoyable time.

The other help was an old journal. We are in the process of moving and my daughter found a journal I had written in 5 years ago. My Goodness was I in a bad place then! I seemed hell bent on destroying myself and punishing myself for.....I'm not even sure what! I started a relationship that, after reading what I wrote, was doomed from the beginning. I chose to be in a relationship with someone who disliked everything about who I was. From the beginning I wrote about the toxic behavior I was exposing myself to, and I also wrote about my complete belief that I deserved nothing more than the verbal abuse I was receiving. I put myself in a relationship where I was always viewed as something less then, not good enough and undeserving of basic kindness or love. I do not blame the person I was with because I believe I chose him for the fact that he was abusive and that is what I believed I deserved. I chose someone who couldn't love me. I chose someone who never wanted anything like me and I allowed him to remind me of how I was never anything he wanted as often as he could. I chose to have a relationship with someone who ignored me, shamed me for my past behaviors and who kept me believing that this was all I deserved and that I could never find better. I chose to be with someone who still loved someone else, who didn't have room to love me because of their own pain for what they did in their past. I chose someone who would never love me the way I, deep in my heart, wanted to be loved.

I wrote things like 'I don't deserve death, I deserve all the pain in the world. I ruin lives. No one should love me and I shouldn't expect love from anyone. I am worthless.'

I have never been that mean to a single soul in my entire life. I wouldn't EVER say those things to anyone, I couldn't bear to hurt someone that badly. I know the things people say can scar. I know the power words can hold, the damage they can inflict, yet I repeatedly said horrible things to myself. What the hell! Why? Why did I feel the need to hurt myself and allow others to hurt me? I have treated myself this way since around the age of 12. I beat myself up for almost 2 full decades! Why did I think I deserved to hurt so much??

I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer. What I do know is that I refuse to beat myself up anymore! Yes, I have made some poor decisions in my life. I obviously choose the hardest path I could find and was hell bent on abusing myself. I'm done with that now.

I forgive myself for all of those things I did to hurt me. I forgive myself for the things I did that hurt others. I forgive myself for the things I allowed others to do to hurt me and for the things I did to hurt myself that unintentionally hurt others. I forgive myself for thinking that I deserved to hurt so much.

This is hard. Of course the voice in my head says 'It doesn't have to be' so I ask for guidance from higher sources to show me how letting go of this pain and hurt and beliefs of unworthiness can be easy. I ask for an understanding of how to let go of all of this pain I have collected throughout the years. I ask for forgiveness from myself for all the damage I have caused to my heart and soul.

I ask for peace, love and kindness.

Living Inspired,

Micah