Feeling Proud :)

I was feeling quite down earlier, while writing my last post but at this moment I feel very proud. I have figured out how to posts videos to my blog and I feel proud of myself:) Focus on the good things :)

Living Inspired!

Micah

Breakups can be hard

Especially when there are kids involved. It would be easiest if we could just go our ways for a while. Take time to heal our wounds and get in our heads in order. We haven't done that though, we see eachother almost everyday, it makes this harder.

I miss him. I know he's hurting and I want to comfort him. A part of me wants to just call off this breakup just so he doesn't have to hurt. I know that would not be right though. I know I have decided to do this for the right reasons, even if in the fog of this pain they don't seem to be the strongest reasons, I know they are good.

I still haven't told many people that we are done. I really don't want to hear anyone's comments on the matter. No one really comments on what I write here, actually no one really reads what I write here. I guess that's what I feel a sense of liberation while writing this blog. I'm not afraid of people reading it.

So anyway, I hurt, he hurts and pretty much that's the only emotions that seems available to me. I hurt for causing him pain. I hurt because I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. At the same time though I feel this sort of release. A freeing of my soul, in sorts. I always feel that when a relationship ends. I have no one to disappoint. That's what all of my relationships have been up to this point, me being a constant disappointment until I finally give up and let go. I'm not being over dramticor poor me, I am simply stating the truth.

This one hurts more than the others, it was the longest. Parts of me are mad, they want to blame. I feel the hurt of being held at a distance for 5 years, of never being good enough to be fully excepted. Another part realizes that we just weren't the right fit.
I want to cry and yell at someone. I want to blame someone other than myself. I can't though. I am grown, I got myself into this situation I am responsible for getting myself out. There's a numbness inside me that is somewhat comfortable, a place of understanding peace. A place where I think I may be able to retreat to for a while and heal my wounds. I sometimes worry though that my pain will harden and I don't want that to happen. I need to find a way to let go of this hurt I feel. I need to allow it to move through me like a bitter wind and go beyond it. I can see that I need to do that but the execution is much harder.

I have spent the last 5 days eating everything I can get my hands on. I have allowed myself to slip into a depression about this, and like quicksand, I seem to be trapped. Does this even make sense to anyone? Do I sound like Courtney Love on a substance abuse rant???

I found this song and I love it right now. My favorite line is 'Right now I'm the walking wounded. Mindset I am getting out alive'

Enjoy!

Relationships

I wanted to put down what I believe a relationship should be. What I want in a relationship.

I want a partnership. I want to feel like a am just as important to the relationship as my partner is. I want a partner who values me, my opinion, my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I want a partner who sees who I am and likes me just the way I am. I want a partner who doesn't think I need to be fixed or changed or altered, someone who sees the beauty I posses, even when I can't see it for myself.
I want be with someone who wants to know me, how I tick and why I feel the way I feel. I want someone who wants to be with me, not because they think they can save me, or that they have to. I want them to be with me because they think I am amazing and want to be on this journey through life with me, not someone to guide me but someone who wants to walk by my side.
I want a person who feels better when I'm around, who finds joy in my presence.

I want to be with someone who does not remind me of all they do for me but instead reminds me of all we can do together. I want to be with someone who sees me as their equal, who is willing to pick me up when I am down, because they know without a doubt, that I can and will do that for them.
I want to be with someone who sees the strength and frailness inside of me and loves both sides. I want to be with someone who will comfort me when I cry and push me to do things I don't think I'm capable of doing, because they know I can. I want a friend, a true friend, one who will stand by me right or wrong, good or bad.

I want a connection. I want love. I want the happiness and peace and strength that come from knowing your have a teammate in this world. The person who is not proud, who does not think they are better than me. A person who does not feel the need to remind me of everything they have done for me.

I want someone to know me, to really know me, to want to know me.

I watch a lot of TV shows like, Ghost Whisperer and Medium, and other shows where the woman is the main character. She is always a little messed up, she's always getting into trouble but she is powerful and strong. My favorite part of the shows, beside the clothes ;), are the husbands. Those women would not be half as powerful and capable if they did not have that person behind them cheering them on, understanding them and loving them for exactly who they are. I know it's just a TV show but I want that love. I want that partner. I want the one who loves me because I am me.

I know it is possible. I know love like that can exist, and I think maybe someday it could exist for me. So I am not going to give up. I am not going to settle. I know that I can love, I know when I love I love strong. I know someone, someday is bound to see that in me. So I will wait. I will work on the things I can work on. I will not accept that I must be with someone who looks at me more as a burden than a partner. I would rather go through this life by myself then with someone who cannot see the things I bring to the partnership, because that is not a partnership.

I want love, I want a connection and I know someday I will find it. And, when I do, I will cherish it always.

I am blessed

I am blessed to have the people I do in my life. I know this. yesterday was a rough day but I made it through. A lot of the reason I made it through was because he was so understanding about our separation. He did not make me feel bad, he hates when I feel bad, one of the reasons I love him. We made the decision to be friends and I am grateful beyond words for that. He has been my whole world for 5 years, I don't think I could've handled if he hated me, which is why I wanted to end this now, before we began to hate each other.

So I count my blessings today. I say a prayer of thanks with every breathe I take that I have people who love me in my life. I say a prayer of thanks for the understanding others provide me, even if my way isn't the way they would go about their life. I say a prayer of thanks for love, understanding, friendship and compassion.

I am blessed, I know this.

I wish you love

I wish you love.

I wish you happiness, joy, laughter and sex!

I wish you the best blow job you've had yet!

I wish you compassion and understanding, a love who enjoys basketball

I wish you the sexiest woman you've ever seen to be at your beck and call

I wish you swoons from all the girls who now know you're single

I wish that you would enjoy this time and mingle mingle mingle!

I wish you peace and calmness with which ever girl you choose

I wish for you to have the girl who'll never make you blue

I wish for you everything, because that's what you gave to me

I wish you to always know my love that you don't see

It is here, inside, but for you it's not a perfect fit

I wish you to realize that respect and accept it

You are amazing and I'm sure the girls will find that out

You have a perfect ass and a prefect pout!

You are as handsome as they come and your smile is insane

The brightest that I've ever seen, it can banish pain

You deserve the best, you deserve the world

You deserve a hot as hell kinky, sexy girl:)

So I wish you love, I wish you all the best

I wish for you a girl whose jaw never needs to rest ;)



I love you Jerrrrrrrrrrr, you know I always will

You've been my dearest friend, and after this, I hope you will be still....

Love Always,

Micah

One of the hardest things

It's so much easier to consider ideas in my head rather than put them out there. By putting them 'out' I am bringing them out of the darkness, within the light they must be examined. In examining them I have to make decisions on whether to keep the path I have been on or if it would be better for me to change direction slightly.



The subject that has been taking up a lot of my energy lately has been relationships. Most importantly, love relationships. I have been looking at my relationship, the feelings I have about my partner. How I feel when I'm with him, without him. I have been paying attention to what holds us together, in my eyes. I love him, there is no doubt about that. I think he is charming, smart, super handsome. He's an a amazing father to our son, he's a good provider, he always wants to take care of everyone and everything and he does his best to make everyone happy, especially me.



The question that has been popping in mind lately is whether or not we are together because of a connection we hold to one another or, is it just an attachment?



That question kept me up all night last night, I barely slept a wink! All I kept hearing myself say was 'Connection or Attachment'. All night long! What makes me nervous is the quickness I respond with 'attachment'.



If this relationship is mostly attachment then that means I need to reconsider whether or not I should continue this relationship, and that scares the hell out of me! I have been with him for 5 years, my longest relationship ever. If I want to be honest probably my only relationship ever. He was the first one to stand by me, he stuck by me in some of the most difficult times I have ever had in my life. He taught me a ton about myself. He's made me laugh, he's made me happy and most important he's kept me safe. I have always had him to turn to, and I have never doubted whether he would be there to help me, he always has. He is an amazing man! I feel truly blessed to have him in my life.



Given all of that, the question of 'connection or attachment' still is not answered. I am obviously attached to him, he's been my only person for 5 years. So I need to find out where the connection is, that's where I come up short. He and I are SO different! We hold different views on practically everything you can think of. Neither one of us seems to feel completely, or even mostly, understood by the other. He questions my behavior, I question his and I'm starting to wonder if all of these questions, these misunderstandings and hurt feelings are unfix able as a couple. I'm starting to question whether we should even be together at all. Yes we love each other, neither of us wants to hurt the other. Is that enough of a reason to stay together?



The thought that crosses my mind often is 'someone could love him better than I can'. I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him. I want to him have all the love in the world and I know that there is someone who would meet his desires better than I do. I know he can be happier than he is with me. I will always be in his life, our son guarantees that. I will always love him, and I hope we can move past this and be close friends. I hope he will be able to see that I am ending our relationship because I love him. I want the absolute best for him, and I am not it, I will be his friend, I be support him and I will love him until the end of time. I will no longer hold him in a relationship that hurts him, I will not allow him to stay unhappy with me when he could find true happiness without me. This by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know that it is the right thing to do. I know there is someone better for him and I wish him the best in finding his happiness. I always be here for him, whenever he needs me, because he has always been there for me. I wish him the greatest of love.

At the same though these are the songs that are helping me work through the emotions I am feeling. Enjoy!

In confusion and despair I ask

Why? Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to blame others for my pain?

In this moment I feel lost, I feel abandon and scared. I feel angry and defensive. I feel like I am all alone and no one truly knows me or the pain and fear I am feeling at this moment.

I want to blame others for my fear. I want to scream and yell at someone, tell them it's all their fault I feel this way. I want to cry and scream and throw a tantrum, and inside I am actually doing all of that. Maybe that's why I feel so awful right now.

On the outside I am trying to remain calm, logical, rational but on the inside I am every dark emotion you can imagine. It's like a storm inside me.I'm not sure how to fix it, get past it or go through it. I only know right now these feelings exist inside me. I know that ignoring them does not make them go away. So right now I acknowledge the storm within me. I look at the pain and the anger. I will not judge myself for feeling this way, I think that will only make the storm stronger, it will only create more pain within me.

So I just sit within the pain. I feel it, I accept that it is here. Right now that is all I know to do........