Breakups can be hard

Especially when there are kids involved. It would be easiest if we could just go our ways for a while. Take time to heal our wounds and get in our heads in order. We haven't done that though, we see eachother almost everyday, it makes this harder.

I miss him. I know he's hurting and I want to comfort him. A part of me wants to just call off this breakup just so he doesn't have to hurt. I know that would not be right though. I know I have decided to do this for the right reasons, even if in the fog of this pain they don't seem to be the strongest reasons, I know they are good.

I still haven't told many people that we are done. I really don't want to hear anyone's comments on the matter. No one really comments on what I write here, actually no one really reads what I write here. I guess that's what I feel a sense of liberation while writing this blog. I'm not afraid of people reading it.

So anyway, I hurt, he hurts and pretty much that's the only emotions that seems available to me. I hurt for causing him pain. I hurt because I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. At the same time though I feel this sort of release. A freeing of my soul, in sorts. I always feel that when a relationship ends. I have no one to disappoint. That's what all of my relationships have been up to this point, me being a constant disappointment until I finally give up and let go. I'm not being over dramticor poor me, I am simply stating the truth.

This one hurts more than the others, it was the longest. Parts of me are mad, they want to blame. I feel the hurt of being held at a distance for 5 years, of never being good enough to be fully excepted. Another part realizes that we just weren't the right fit.
I want to cry and yell at someone. I want to blame someone other than myself. I can't though. I am grown, I got myself into this situation I am responsible for getting myself out. There's a numbness inside me that is somewhat comfortable, a place of understanding peace. A place where I think I may be able to retreat to for a while and heal my wounds. I sometimes worry though that my pain will harden and I don't want that to happen. I need to find a way to let go of this hurt I feel. I need to allow it to move through me like a bitter wind and go beyond it. I can see that I need to do that but the execution is much harder.

I have spent the last 5 days eating everything I can get my hands on. I have allowed myself to slip into a depression about this, and like quicksand, I seem to be trapped. Does this even make sense to anyone? Do I sound like Courtney Love on a substance abuse rant???

I found this song and I love it right now. My favorite line is 'Right now I'm the walking wounded. Mindset I am getting out alive'

Enjoy!