Hopeless Romantic

I am a hopeless romantic and I am proud of that. Given all of the heartbreak I could claim I am glad to be someone who still believes there is a love out there for me. I still believe in Fairy tales and Happy Endings. I refuse to allow myself to be jaded by the experiences I have already had. I believe that 'Happily Ever After' is an option and I will maintain that belief until the day I die.

A lot of people have difficulty understanding the blind desire I hold for love. They like to caution me and warn me that I should put my focus onto more pressing, realistic matters. As if love is not something realistic.

They like to tell me that I am great all by myself, which I am, and I accept. I have always wanted love though and I have denied myself that connection since a young age. It may have been the relationships that I observed through childhood that led me to the belief that love is something mystical and incredibly illusive. I've always believed that love, true love, was something for the very special. Not everyone would find it and no one could keep it forever. I lived the majority of my life with that belief, I refuse to live that way anymore.

I want to believe that love is for everyone. I want to believe that love is true and precious and worth everything! I want to believe in the goodness of the world and the most basic of those ideas, in my opinion, is love.

So I say Damn the Man, I can give love, I can receive love, I can be love. To all those who feel I am being naive then that will show their beliefs about love, not mine.

I wish you all the greatest love this life can offer. Be open to the possibilities that this life was meant to be something happy, joyful and loving and when you look at things that way they will prove you to be correct.

In Love,

Micah

I don't want to wonder anymore

I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if we could've made it together. I don't want you to think of me and feel regrets or anger or pain. I spent years trying to help a loved one cure their broken heart, never admitting that my heart was broken as well. I spent years being afraid of your rejection that I never stood up and put myself out there to you. I tried to lead others down the path of following their heart. I tried to encourage others to mend old wounds and to stand up and be strong in the face of a lost love. I tried to encourage them because I believe that if you truly feel that much love for someone, a love that lasts years beyond where is was, then you owe it to yourself and your love to admit to it. You owe it to your own heart to be strong enough and ask the question: Do you still love me? You owe it to your heart to be honest and admit that you still hold love for that past love and if that love is available you should grab it.

So when someone asks me why I do the things I do I will say I do it for love. A love that I am not even sure still exists. A love that may have been one sided, a love that may have been a figment of my imagination. I owe it to my heart to see, maybe it was real. Maybe it was the true love. Maybe it still exists......

I'll never know if I don't try. I'll never know if I don't put myself out there. I'll never know if I stay trapped by the fear that I was worthness and unloveable.


So it is out there, I have put myself on display. I have shown my heart, I have laid out my cards. If I was wrong about this love then I can at least move on. I can let go and love again.

In the Green

In the green I hold you. I lay in your arms and listen to your heart beat.

In the green I see you, I trace your eyebrows with my finger, memorizing the contours of your face

In the green I breathe you in. I wrap myself in the peace being with you offers.

How I long to be near you again. I am no longer trapped by the evil voices within my head, they were what held me back from truly showing you love. The fear that you would not or did not love me back was unbearable! I was petrified to admit how much I completely adored you. I was afraid you did not love me back. I know that I never really gave you a chance to love me, I believe you did though.

We were together for a very short time but the love I still feel for you to this day is strong. I loved the peace I felt in your arms. I loved the way we could be together without having to do anything at all. I remember coloring in your tattoos while you would sit there and strum your guitar.

I loved your lips and smile, you always had a devilish grin, it lit my heart ablaze!

You were my true love. I do not hold anger or pain when I think of our time together. All I feel is love, all I'll ever allow myself to feel for you is love. There is no reason to focus on the pain, the love is what mattered, it still does.

So on that rare occasion that I see you in my dreams I cherish every single breathe you take near me. I cherish everything about you.

Until I see you again in the green.......

Relationships

I wanted to put down what I believe a relationship should be. What I want in a relationship.

I want a partnership. I want to feel like a am just as important to the relationship as my partner is. I want a partner who values me, my opinion, my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I want a partner who sees who I am and likes me just the way I am. I want a partner who doesn't think I need to be fixed or changed or altered, someone who sees the beauty I posses, even when I can't see it for myself.
I want be with someone who wants to know me, how I tick and why I feel the way I feel. I want someone who wants to be with me, not because they think they can save me, or that they have to. I want them to be with me because they think I am amazing and want to be on this journey through life with me, not someone to guide me but someone who wants to walk by my side.
I want a person who feels better when I'm around, who finds joy in my presence.

I want to be with someone who does not remind me of all they do for me but instead reminds me of all we can do together. I want to be with someone who sees me as their equal, who is willing to pick me up when I am down, because they know without a doubt, that I can and will do that for them.
I want to be with someone who sees the strength and frailness inside of me and loves both sides. I want to be with someone who will comfort me when I cry and push me to do things I don't think I'm capable of doing, because they know I can. I want a friend, a true friend, one who will stand by me right or wrong, good or bad.

I want a connection. I want love. I want the happiness and peace and strength that come from knowing your have a teammate in this world. The person who is not proud, who does not think they are better than me. A person who does not feel the need to remind me of everything they have done for me.

I want someone to know me, to really know me, to want to know me.

I watch a lot of TV shows like, Ghost Whisperer and Medium, and other shows where the woman is the main character. She is always a little messed up, she's always getting into trouble but she is powerful and strong. My favorite part of the shows, beside the clothes ;), are the husbands. Those women would not be half as powerful and capable if they did not have that person behind them cheering them on, understanding them and loving them for exactly who they are. I know it's just a TV show but I want that love. I want that partner. I want the one who loves me because I am me.

I know it is possible. I know love like that can exist, and I think maybe someday it could exist for me. So I am not going to give up. I am not going to settle. I know that I can love, I know when I love I love strong. I know someone, someday is bound to see that in me. So I will wait. I will work on the things I can work on. I will not accept that I must be with someone who looks at me more as a burden than a partner. I would rather go through this life by myself then with someone who cannot see the things I bring to the partnership, because that is not a partnership.

I want love, I want a connection and I know someday I will find it. And, when I do, I will cherish it always.

Who can help me?

Like I said before, not everyday is easy. There are days when I have to try many different methods in order to keep myself positive throughout the day. Today happens to be one of those days, lucky me ;) I say 'lucky me' because as much as it sucks to feel down it does give me another opportunity to post again today, so I will make this a positive for the day. Lucky Me!

I'm sure you've heard the saying 'Fake it 'til you make it', I live that saying everyday! We all have issues. We all have moments where life just doesn't work how we planned or we just hurt for whatever reason. In those moments of weakened spirit we get to choose, stay hurt and in pain or move on to something else.

I choose to move on, try something new. Try to see the positives in every little thing you can find a positive in. My teeth are clean..... sometimes that might be the only positive thing you can think of. If that is true for you then you found one positive for the day. What else could you do? What simple things would make your day better? What could you do and add to your positive list for the day? Have you eaten yet today? You could have a healthy meal, drink a glass of water, send an email to someone you normally don't talk to. Anything that would allow you to feel better about yourself that you are able to do, do it! You know better than anyone else what could help you through a bad day. Be your own best friend, figure out how to help yourself.

The goal is to treat yourself how you would treat someone you truly love when they are down. Cater to yourself. I know that one of my goals is to eat better and drink more water. Right now I could drink a glass of water. That would help me into positivity way more than the Dr. Pepper I would normally give myself. We as people have a habit of treating ourselves by sabotaging ourselves. Alcoholics who are having a bad day will go have a beer. When they finish that beer they have only added another negative to their own list of pain. Emotional eaters will pick up their favorite comfort food and gorge themselves. Yet when done with that they only feel worse.

Work on understanding yourself. Understanding your goals, where you want to be and how to get there, then help yourself! We are our own greatest Alli or Enemy. Most of us will wait for someone else to help us. We will put our faith in the fact that they have all the answers, they can help us reach our goal. Few of us actually depend on ourselves to be the driving force in our lives. Few of us think we have what it takes to make our dreams a reality. When we live like that we are only setting ourselves up for failure

You are the most important person to help you, with anything, you want to achieve in your life. Sounds completely simple right. I can hear people who I know that will read this blog saying 'Duh, like I didn't already know that!' My point is yes, it sounds simple, but how many of us actually live our lives that way? How many of us look to ourselves first for any answers we may need for our lives? How many of us spend time helping ourselves reach those goals we've always wanted to attain.

Care for yourself. Protect yourself from harm, any harm, even the harm you would put upon yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat the love of your life, with kindness, love, understanding, and compassion.

Living Inspired,

Micah