I don't want to wonder anymore

I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if we could've made it together. I don't want you to think of me and feel regrets or anger or pain. I spent years trying to help a loved one cure their broken heart, never admitting that my heart was broken as well. I spent years being afraid of your rejection that I never stood up and put myself out there to you. I tried to lead others down the path of following their heart. I tried to encourage others to mend old wounds and to stand up and be strong in the face of a lost love. I tried to encourage them because I believe that if you truly feel that much love for someone, a love that lasts years beyond where is was, then you owe it to yourself and your love to admit to it. You owe it to your own heart to be strong enough and ask the question: Do you still love me? You owe it to your heart to be honest and admit that you still hold love for that past love and if that love is available you should grab it.

So when someone asks me why I do the things I do I will say I do it for love. A love that I am not even sure still exists. A love that may have been one sided, a love that may have been a figment of my imagination. I owe it to my heart to see, maybe it was real. Maybe it was the true love. Maybe it still exists......

I'll never know if I don't try. I'll never know if I don't put myself out there. I'll never know if I stay trapped by the fear that I was worthness and unloveable.


So it is out there, I have put myself on display. I have shown my heart, I have laid out my cards. If I was wrong about this love then I can at least move on. I can let go and love again.

In the Green

In the green I hold you. I lay in your arms and listen to your heart beat.

In the green I see you, I trace your eyebrows with my finger, memorizing the contours of your face

In the green I breathe you in. I wrap myself in the peace being with you offers.

How I long to be near you again. I am no longer trapped by the evil voices within my head, they were what held me back from truly showing you love. The fear that you would not or did not love me back was unbearable! I was petrified to admit how much I completely adored you. I was afraid you did not love me back. I know that I never really gave you a chance to love me, I believe you did though.

We were together for a very short time but the love I still feel for you to this day is strong. I loved the peace I felt in your arms. I loved the way we could be together without having to do anything at all. I remember coloring in your tattoos while you would sit there and strum your guitar.

I loved your lips and smile, you always had a devilish grin, it lit my heart ablaze!

You were my true love. I do not hold anger or pain when I think of our time together. All I feel is love, all I'll ever allow myself to feel for you is love. There is no reason to focus on the pain, the love is what mattered, it still does.

So on that rare occasion that I see you in my dreams I cherish every single breathe you take near me. I cherish everything about you.

Until I see you again in the green.......