Waiting to See

I love that Lyric. Waiting to see what I might be, if released from chains that bind me from within. That line speaks to my soul.

I have spent years not seeing who I am. Every time I looked in the mirror I have seen every negative thought I could think about myself. I have seen ugliness, defeat and failure in the mirror. In this new 'being kind' to myself behavior I have begun to remove the layers of negativity. I have begun to see myself :)

I have been reading Eckhart Tolle, all of this titles, he talks a lot about The Power of Now. Here's how I understand it: When you spend your time being in the moment instead of judging it you can make the most of that moment. I have spent countless years over thinking every single move I make. I think about what my reaction will bring, and then what this person will say and do, and how I will react back. All of that thinking of this situations and it's possible negative outcome has left me paralysed. Instead of living my life and having actual experiences I have imagined my life, it's situations and my happiness or demise.

One wonderful example I have for this is my weight. I have been overweight since High School. After having kids it got worse. I have spent 15 years being unhappy with my body. I have committed to try and lose weight more times than I can count. I have yet to lose anything. I have weighed the same thing since I was 19 years old.

My weight has been 2 things for me. First, it has been my safety. No one can see the real me, not when I'm hiding under 50lbs of fat. I use my weight hide. I always talk about losing weight. I always say things like 'When I get thin I'm going to be so hot!' or 'You have no idea how pretty I am under all this weight'. The normal comments of a person who knows they have potential but who would rather talk about their potential instead of putting forth the effort to show it.

I start new workout regimens and diets all the time, only to fall off within a week of starting. I lose 2 lbs one week and gain 6 the next. The question I ask myself today is why? Why am I constantly holding myself in a pattern that I know does not benefit me?

The answer is I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the unknown. I have no idea what I would look like at my correct weight. I have no idea what my life would be like if I didn't have this constant handicap . I don't wear the clothes I want to wear, I don't talk to the people I want to talk to, I don't do the things I want to do all because I am afraid of the unknown. In my imagination I see this very confidant woman who dresses nicely all the time. She is always wearing something beautiful and feminine. She is funny and smart and confident and I can see happiness shining through her. She a woman who helps others and inspires others to be their best. She teaches them to get out of their heads and to become present and live life. I know this woman is inside of me. Now my question to myself is how do I bring her out?