As I end my night tonight I want to give thanks for my life. I am so thankful for where I am right now. I enjoy the understanding I have come to within my life. I feel constantly on the edge of an undiscovered happiness and at the same time completely enjoy where I am in the single moment. I see all of the potential and possibilities that are available to me, and I am so grateful for this journey!
We are not limited. Our freedom does not rest within this world, it rests within our souls. When we connect to the power within ourselves our outside world is altered. We hold ourselves back by believing that we lack. We accept that we are powerless in this journey. We believe the outside world, without consideration that no one in this world knows our soul.
The only person who can truly brings happiness into your life is yourself.
We need to look within and acknowledge the power and glory we posses, we need accept the responsibility to be the person we were meant to be. We need to be strong and stay focused on who we have the ability to be, and the amazing thing is we are not limited! We can achieve whatever we want as long as we get past the idea that we lack.
I say thank you to the Universe. Thank you for bringing me the understanding that I am truly more than I was ever led to believe from the outside world. Thank for leading me to the answers that I needed to understand in order to find myself. Thank you for leading to the ways I could free myself from my demons. Thank you for my world!!
Living Inspired!
Micah Ann
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
This is My Life
It's been such a long time since I have written. I have been journaling everyday but getting onto a working computer has been a challenge for me. My life seems drastically different then just a few months ago. I am such a different person than I was a few months ago, I am truly happy.
I give thanks everyday for the amazing people that are coming into my life. Every single day feels like a new opportunity for happiness, instead of another dreaded day. A lot of things have altered within my life but I know that the most significant change is really my attitude towards my life. I know longer focus on who and what I am not, I focus on who I am. I cultivate the beauty and peace within myself, and I focus on the best in others as well. I don't feel anger or hatred toward others, only a desire to influence their lives in the best possible ways.
All of the dreams I have for my life I'm realizing, are not necessary. As long as I can find happiness and peace within each moment I am the richest person in the world. I am surrounded by an abundance of love, friendship, laughter, happiness and joy. I didn't believe before that I would ever find that. I faced demons within myself that I never even realized existed. I have begun to set myself free!
I wish for you all to realize the freedom acceptance of yourself provides.
In Love and Kindness,
Micah
I give thanks everyday for the amazing people that are coming into my life. Every single day feels like a new opportunity for happiness, instead of another dreaded day. A lot of things have altered within my life but I know that the most significant change is really my attitude towards my life. I know longer focus on who and what I am not, I focus on who I am. I cultivate the beauty and peace within myself, and I focus on the best in others as well. I don't feel anger or hatred toward others, only a desire to influence their lives in the best possible ways.
All of the dreams I have for my life I'm realizing, are not necessary. As long as I can find happiness and peace within each moment I am the richest person in the world. I am surrounded by an abundance of love, friendship, laughter, happiness and joy. I didn't believe before that I would ever find that. I faced demons within myself that I never even realized existed. I have begun to set myself free!
I wish for you all to realize the freedom acceptance of yourself provides.
In Love and Kindness,
Micah
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thank You
I haven't been doing a lot of thinking or pondering about my life latey, hence the small amount of posts this month. I want to continue to post my progress and where I am.
Right now I find myself in Gratitude.
I am so thankful for every experience I have ever had, good or bad. I am in a very happy place, within my soul. My outside life may not completely show that transformation but I can feel it.
I am thankful for the people who surrond me in my life. I am surround by creative, loving, amazing people. Everyday I meet another wonderful person who I thank the Universe for bringing into my life. I know I am blessed.
I cannot discribe the excitment I feel about my life! It's...beyond verbal expression.
Yet my life is choatic. It's as if I have thrown the puzzle that is my life up in the air and I am now waiting to see where the pieces lie.
Even within this I am Happy. I am smiling and I know that everything going to be okay. I know that this is an expeirence. I do not end when these experiences are over, I simply move on to another phase. Within that understanding I find peace.
I wish you all peace.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Right now I find myself in Gratitude.
I am so thankful for every experience I have ever had, good or bad. I am in a very happy place, within my soul. My outside life may not completely show that transformation but I can feel it.
I am thankful for the people who surrond me in my life. I am surround by creative, loving, amazing people. Everyday I meet another wonderful person who I thank the Universe for bringing into my life. I know I am blessed.
I cannot discribe the excitment I feel about my life! It's...beyond verbal expression.
Yet my life is choatic. It's as if I have thrown the puzzle that is my life up in the air and I am now waiting to see where the pieces lie.
Even within this I am Happy. I am smiling and I know that everything going to be okay. I know that this is an expeirence. I do not end when these experiences are over, I simply move on to another phase. Within that understanding I find peace.
I wish you all peace.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Monday, September 21, 2009
Prayers
I will move through today with faith and confidence that my life will work out the way it was meant to. I will stay calm and open, allowing the universe to flow through me without holding on to anything that may clog my connection.
I let go of regret and fear. I let go of the belief that I am all alone. I let go of the belief that I must figure life out. I accept guidance from the universe and my Higher Self.
I acknowledge my breathe and my life. I am thankful that I can remain so calm within such a chaotic time where I would normally feel extremely axious. Even within this time of transformation and transistion I acknowledge that I love my life. I am surrounded by people who I love. I am safe and I am loved and I am grateful.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I let go of regret and fear. I let go of the belief that I am all alone. I let go of the belief that I must figure life out. I accept guidance from the universe and my Higher Self.
I acknowledge my breathe and my life. I am thankful that I can remain so calm within such a chaotic time where I would normally feel extremely axious. Even within this time of transformation and transistion I acknowledge that I love my life. I am surrounded by people who I love. I am safe and I am loved and I am grateful.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Friday, September 18, 2009
Listen Up!
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson
Open your heart and soul and shine :)
In Love,
Micah
-Inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson
Open your heart and soul and shine :)
In Love,
Micah
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wishes do come true
I think that sometimes we don't see how our wishes come true. I have mentioned before that I am working on not being so tied to the specifics of my desires. I'm working on letting God design my world.
This weekend I feel like a lot of the things I have been asking for have finally appeared in my life :) I made amends with myself. I was myself. Nothing about me was fake and I didn't act a certain way to be accepted. I was my true self, and for that I am pleased.
Situations that I have desires to have seemed to come about out of thin air this weekend. People who I desired to see popped up in unexpected places. I felt a connection :) I may not have done everything exactly as I would have liked to but I refuse to feel regret. Everything is past, only the moment I am in right now is the moment that matters.
Life is good.
Living Inspired,
Micah
This weekend I feel like a lot of the things I have been asking for have finally appeared in my life :) I made amends with myself. I was myself. Nothing about me was fake and I didn't act a certain way to be accepted. I was my true self, and for that I am pleased.
Situations that I have desires to have seemed to come about out of thin air this weekend. People who I desired to see popped up in unexpected places. I felt a connection :) I may not have done everything exactly as I would have liked to but I refuse to feel regret. Everything is past, only the moment I am in right now is the moment that matters.
Life is good.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Friday, September 4, 2009
Different Perspective
One of my dearest friends is getting married this weekend. She asked me to be the Maid of Honor.
Ugh, was my first instinct. The idea of being resposible for all of the things a real good Maid of Honor would cover was beyond to much for me to handle. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, and I told Binks :) that from the begining. She said 'Oh, don't worry about any of that. I know you, I just want you to be a part of my day.'
I wish I would've been able to hear her when she said that so many months ago. Once all of my thoughts of insecuritiy came crepping they had a firm hold! For months I have been dreading this event. The pressure upon me was unbearable!!!
I didn't notice until today that all of the pressure applied to me was by me. I allow myself to ruin the planning time of this a glorious event!
Last night as I was lying in my bed Dreading Sunday when the light finally shown.....
My best friend is getting married!
The girl who I have helped through so many moments is now about to walk down the lisle and, she wants me to be one of the people standing there with her! How did I not see how incredibly amazing this event is going to be! The girl who has been a little sister to me since 6th grade is becoming a wife. How blessed is this going to be. I feel such pride in knowing this woman. She is kind, giving, kookie and beautiful. I taught her, maybe we shouldn't talk about the things I taught her :) I have watched her grow into a wonderful friend, Mother and now Wife.
My perspective on this event has shifted, I'm very glad to say.
I wish everyone love, kindness, friendship and understanding. I wish everyone the experience to find their true happiness.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I love you Binks!!!!
Ugh, was my first instinct. The idea of being resposible for all of the things a real good Maid of Honor would cover was beyond to much for me to handle. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, and I told Binks :) that from the begining. She said 'Oh, don't worry about any of that. I know you, I just want you to be a part of my day.'
I wish I would've been able to hear her when she said that so many months ago. Once all of my thoughts of insecuritiy came crepping they had a firm hold! For months I have been dreading this event. The pressure upon me was unbearable!!!
I didn't notice until today that all of the pressure applied to me was by me. I allow myself to ruin the planning time of this a glorious event!
Last night as I was lying in my bed Dreading Sunday when the light finally shown.....
My best friend is getting married!
The girl who I have helped through so many moments is now about to walk down the lisle and, she wants me to be one of the people standing there with her! How did I not see how incredibly amazing this event is going to be! The girl who has been a little sister to me since 6th grade is becoming a wife. How blessed is this going to be. I feel such pride in knowing this woman. She is kind, giving, kookie and beautiful. I taught her, maybe we shouldn't talk about the things I taught her :) I have watched her grow into a wonderful friend, Mother and now Wife.
My perspective on this event has shifted, I'm very glad to say.
I wish everyone love, kindness, friendship and understanding. I wish everyone the experience to find their true happiness.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I love you Binks!!!!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Stressed
Everyone has days where they feel a little lost. Well I have to admit that I have been feeling that way more and more for the last few days. There is something stressing me out, the thing is, I don't really know what it is! It's quite annoying to feel so upset and not be able to pinpoint the reasoning behind it.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Cookie Jar Theory
I have always had a hard time with the idea of God forgiving all of our 'sins'. Especially with the 'sins' we repeat time and time again. I have asked people of faith many times about what I call my Cookie Jar Theory and they have answered but their answers never made enough sense to me to be able to let go of my question, how can God really forgive us our 'sins'. I believed I have recently come to that answer within myself.
My Cookie Jar Theory is simple: The Cookie Jar is filled with cookies and your Mom tells you not to have any. Although you cannot seem to resist the desire to have a cookie. You apologize afterwards and you are forgiven. If you keep on taking a cookie and you keep on asking for forgiveness eventually your Mom is not going to believe you are truly sorry, because you keep on producing the same type of behavior, you can't really be sorry. My question comes from this idea: If I say I'm sorry but I cannot seem to stop my improper behavior then eventually I will no longer be forgive, so how can God truly love and forgive me?
Like I said this is a question I have asked time and time again and I have never gotten an answer I felt happy with, until now. I just realized today today that God does forgive every time we do anything, the ones who don't forgive is ourselves. Because we, some of us, believe ourselves to be unworthy of forgiveness we do not allow it into our lives. We can ask forgiveness until the cows come home but if we are unable to allow forgiveness in we will never truly find it.
The Cookie Jar theory is simple, God will always forgive us. God knows us beyond what we know of ourselves. I believe God sees the struggle we go through within ourselves, in God knowing and seeing our inward struggle God sees that we truly are sorry, even if we are unable at the time to change our behavior. I also believe God never denies us forgiveness, we deny ourselves. I don't believe God looks at our lives and expects us to ask for forgiveness. This is a journey, it's an experience, we each are going to run it to many different situations, good and bad and we are here to experience what this life has to offer.
I believe God is our creator, our Father in Heaven and that all God wants from us is to live this life with the understanding that we are connected. We are connected to God and to everyone else by God. I believe once we understand that and the fact that no matter what we do we will go back to God in the end, then we will start to be kinder to ourselves. I believe this life is not a test or a lesson, this is an experience. A wonderful opportunity to create a life in the way we want to. An opportunity to be free and know, if we can grasp the knowing, that we are always safe, always protected and always loved by God. God did not abandon us on this Earth, God created this Earth for us. We are connected and attached. We are meant to be and show the love of God through ourselves and we can only truly do that when we learn to love ourselves as God loves us completely and wholly without and judgement or persecution.
I encourage you all to consider this idea.
In Loving Inspiration,
Micah
My Cookie Jar Theory is simple: The Cookie Jar is filled with cookies and your Mom tells you not to have any. Although you cannot seem to resist the desire to have a cookie. You apologize afterwards and you are forgiven. If you keep on taking a cookie and you keep on asking for forgiveness eventually your Mom is not going to believe you are truly sorry, because you keep on producing the same type of behavior, you can't really be sorry. My question comes from this idea: If I say I'm sorry but I cannot seem to stop my improper behavior then eventually I will no longer be forgive, so how can God truly love and forgive me?
Like I said this is a question I have asked time and time again and I have never gotten an answer I felt happy with, until now. I just realized today today that God does forgive every time we do anything, the ones who don't forgive is ourselves. Because we, some of us, believe ourselves to be unworthy of forgiveness we do not allow it into our lives. We can ask forgiveness until the cows come home but if we are unable to allow forgiveness in we will never truly find it.
The Cookie Jar theory is simple, God will always forgive us. God knows us beyond what we know of ourselves. I believe God sees the struggle we go through within ourselves, in God knowing and seeing our inward struggle God sees that we truly are sorry, even if we are unable at the time to change our behavior. I also believe God never denies us forgiveness, we deny ourselves. I don't believe God looks at our lives and expects us to ask for forgiveness. This is a journey, it's an experience, we each are going to run it to many different situations, good and bad and we are here to experience what this life has to offer.
I believe God is our creator, our Father in Heaven and that all God wants from us is to live this life with the understanding that we are connected. We are connected to God and to everyone else by God. I believe once we understand that and the fact that no matter what we do we will go back to God in the end, then we will start to be kinder to ourselves. I believe this life is not a test or a lesson, this is an experience. A wonderful opportunity to create a life in the way we want to. An opportunity to be free and know, if we can grasp the knowing, that we are always safe, always protected and always loved by God. God did not abandon us on this Earth, God created this Earth for us. We are connected and attached. We are meant to be and show the love of God through ourselves and we can only truly do that when we learn to love ourselves as God loves us completely and wholly without and judgement or persecution.
I encourage you all to consider this idea.
In Loving Inspiration,
Micah
What did I learn
I went out for the first time in a very long time this past weekend. I got drunk and paid for it the next morning by being severely sick, not good. What I want to write about is what I have learned about myself from that experience.
Let me start by saying that in another life, when I was a different version of myself, I was a VERY flirtatious girl :) That's putting things mildly, I am, and always have been, an insane flirt! I love attention, and I love men, put them together and what you get is flirt. Actually back in the day, I was way more than a flirt, I was straight up player! Without going into too much detail I got hurt emotionally at a young age and instead of letting the pain go I let it harden within my heart. I decided I could play 'the game' better than any boy and I proved it. I had swagger most girls never dream of having :)
I smile and laugh about it now because I refuse to feel shame. It was a time in my life and I will never persecute myself for that behavior. I was hurt, I believed that all men viewed women as was sexual gratification and I decided I could work with that. I refused to even consider that a man would want more of me than what I could physically give, and I also decided I wanted nothing more of them then what they could physically give. For me that worked for a long time. No feelings or emotion just physical pleasure.
What I learned about myself on this recent outing is that I have grown. Of course I am still a mad flirt but I do not look at myself as someone not worthy of emotion or feelings attached to physical affection. I know now that I will not settle for what I once found to be acceptable, and even preferred at the time.
I am worth attention. I have always been worth affection. I am worth kindness and pleasure in my life. I know now that I allowed myself to believe that I was worth less. I believed that my soul didn't require or desire an intimate connection, I was wrong.
So yes, a very tiny amount of old school Micah showed herself at the bar this weekend :) and I have a choice I can either degrade myself for months and not allow myself to go back out or I can smile at myself and realize that yes all of my behavior wasn't great but you live and you learn. I allow myself room for growth, and that room includes space for correction of certain behaviors.
I am pleased that I am not hiding in the sand beating myself for the tiniest of infractions. I will encourage myself to try again, and with time I will learn the appropriate behavior I want to portray.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Let me start by saying that in another life, when I was a different version of myself, I was a VERY flirtatious girl :) That's putting things mildly, I am, and always have been, an insane flirt! I love attention, and I love men, put them together and what you get is flirt. Actually back in the day, I was way more than a flirt, I was straight up player! Without going into too much detail I got hurt emotionally at a young age and instead of letting the pain go I let it harden within my heart. I decided I could play 'the game' better than any boy and I proved it. I had swagger most girls never dream of having :)
I smile and laugh about it now because I refuse to feel shame. It was a time in my life and I will never persecute myself for that behavior. I was hurt, I believed that all men viewed women as was sexual gratification and I decided I could work with that. I refused to even consider that a man would want more of me than what I could physically give, and I also decided I wanted nothing more of them then what they could physically give. For me that worked for a long time. No feelings or emotion just physical pleasure.
What I learned about myself on this recent outing is that I have grown. Of course I am still a mad flirt but I do not look at myself as someone not worthy of emotion or feelings attached to physical affection. I know now that I will not settle for what I once found to be acceptable, and even preferred at the time.
I am worth attention. I have always been worth affection. I am worth kindness and pleasure in my life. I know now that I allowed myself to believe that I was worth less. I believed that my soul didn't require or desire an intimate connection, I was wrong.
So yes, a very tiny amount of old school Micah showed herself at the bar this weekend :) and I have a choice I can either degrade myself for months and not allow myself to go back out or I can smile at myself and realize that yes all of my behavior wasn't great but you live and you learn. I allow myself room for growth, and that room includes space for correction of certain behaviors.
I am pleased that I am not hiding in the sand beating myself for the tiniest of infractions. I will encourage myself to try again, and with time I will learn the appropriate behavior I want to portray.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Monday, August 31, 2009
What I want
I want to do something inspiring!
I feel like it's time for a change. I want my work to be something more, I want to help others. I want to make an impact for good. I don't care that I make tons of money but I do want the opportunity to be more than what I am. I will not be able to make more than what I make now at my current company. I have been at the same salary for 3 years now with no hope for growth. I also have gotten tired of working from home. It was a great opportunity but now I want something different, I want something more. I am no longer content hiding in my house, not facing the world, I want more.
Now that I am on my own, without a partner to pick up the slack, I need to find something that will help me provide a good life for my children while also helping me grow emotionally and spiritually. I'm not sure if this kind of career exists but I need it and I need it now.
I am working on not being afraid of the twists and turns my life makes. I am working on be fluid and easy going.
For years now I have stood still. I no longer want to live that way. I want to be a part of the world! I want to communicate with others. I want to encourage and inspire others to their own greatness.
I want to do something that allows me to connect with the body and the soul. I want to be connected. I want peace, joy and fulfillment from my career.
I ask to be guided to where my desires can become reality.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I feel like it's time for a change. I want my work to be something more, I want to help others. I want to make an impact for good. I don't care that I make tons of money but I do want the opportunity to be more than what I am. I will not be able to make more than what I make now at my current company. I have been at the same salary for 3 years now with no hope for growth. I also have gotten tired of working from home. It was a great opportunity but now I want something different, I want something more. I am no longer content hiding in my house, not facing the world, I want more.
Now that I am on my own, without a partner to pick up the slack, I need to find something that will help me provide a good life for my children while also helping me grow emotionally and spiritually. I'm not sure if this kind of career exists but I need it and I need it now.
I am working on not being afraid of the twists and turns my life makes. I am working on be fluid and easy going.
For years now I have stood still. I no longer want to live that way. I want to be a part of the world! I want to communicate with others. I want to encourage and inspire others to their own greatness.
I want to do something that allows me to connect with the body and the soul. I want to be connected. I want peace, joy and fulfillment from my career.
I ask to be guided to where my desires can become reality.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Friday, August 28, 2009
Finding Myself
'Waiting to see what I might be if released from chains that bind me from within'
I feel like I am finally starting to see myself, it's an amazing feeling! I have always been filled with doubt about who I am, who I should be, and whether or not I should share my true self with the world. Even admitting to the music I truly like was difficult for me. My mind would say things like "what if they don't like the music you like, then maybe they won't like you either".
I have always been drawn to people who were very confident in their likes and to be so doubtful about my likes made me feel even more lost. The fact that I was never into Kurt Cobain made me even more of an outcast! Especially with the groups I hung out with and the time I grew up. Although I do have to say I will always love Polly by Nirvana, it has happy memories attached to it :)
Music is so personal, and I am just now beginning to understand and accept that what I like is okay. I don't have to be like everyone else. Me being different in my preferences does not make me any less. I'm sure some may think that this is something I should've known years before but I am a late bloomer. I claim it proudly!!! I am enjoying the experience of getting to know who I truly am. I know that once I accept me I will not have the worry about whether anyone else likes me. What's important is me liking myself, happiness will come from there.
Although people should love me because I SOOO rock! ;)
Be happy with yourself. Once you can find that happiness within your own self you will not feel the need to look for it again in another.
Living Inspired,
Micah
I feel like I am finally starting to see myself, it's an amazing feeling! I have always been filled with doubt about who I am, who I should be, and whether or not I should share my true self with the world. Even admitting to the music I truly like was difficult for me. My mind would say things like "what if they don't like the music you like, then maybe they won't like you either".
I have always been drawn to people who were very confident in their likes and to be so doubtful about my likes made me feel even more lost. The fact that I was never into Kurt Cobain made me even more of an outcast! Especially with the groups I hung out with and the time I grew up. Although I do have to say I will always love Polly by Nirvana, it has happy memories attached to it :)
Music is so personal, and I am just now beginning to understand and accept that what I like is okay. I don't have to be like everyone else. Me being different in my preferences does not make me any less. I'm sure some may think that this is something I should've known years before but I am a late bloomer. I claim it proudly!!! I am enjoying the experience of getting to know who I truly am. I know that once I accept me I will not have the worry about whether anyone else likes me. What's important is me liking myself, happiness will come from there.
Although people should love me because I SOOO rock! ;)
Be happy with yourself. Once you can find that happiness within your own self you will not feel the need to look for it again in another.
Living Inspired,
Micah
Happy Friday!
The day is starting great! I spent the morning playing in bed with my kids :) I am optimistic and happy, even if there is no sunshine.
This song makes me smile, I hope it will make you smile too!
Happy Friday!!!!
This song makes me smile, I hope it will make you smile too!
Happy Friday!!!!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Forgiveness
I've been having a harder time staying positive in the last few days. I have felt lonely. I have felt the lack of certain things I want in my life. I know that I have let a lot of things go recently to make room for newer, healthier things.
A part of me is acknowledging the lack of my desires. Another part of me feels as though this is a sort of test, a test of my faith. Do I really believe all the things I preach on this blog? Can I really look past the things that aren't exactly what I want them to be and still enjoy the present moment and where I am right now????
Yes, I can. I am blessed to be able to feel and be aware of where I am emotionally. Because I have worked on paying attention to my mood I was able to notice my sadness at an early stage and ask for assistance in moving past it. I received assistance in 2 forms yesterday.
I was lucky enough to have a friend stop by and get my mind onto more joyful ideas. We ended up having an enjoyable time.
The other help was an old journal. We are in the process of moving and my daughter found a journal I had written in 5 years ago. My Goodness was I in a bad place then! I seemed hell bent on destroying myself and punishing myself for.....I'm not even sure what! I started a relationship that, after reading what I wrote, was doomed from the beginning. I chose to be in a relationship with someone who disliked everything about who I was. From the beginning I wrote about the toxic behavior I was exposing myself to, and I also wrote about my complete belief that I deserved nothing more than the verbal abuse I was receiving. I put myself in a relationship where I was always viewed as something less then, not good enough and undeserving of basic kindness or love. I do not blame the person I was with because I believe I chose him for the fact that he was abusive and that is what I believed I deserved. I chose someone who couldn't love me. I chose someone who never wanted anything like me and I allowed him to remind me of how I was never anything he wanted as often as he could. I chose to have a relationship with someone who ignored me, shamed me for my past behaviors and who kept me believing that this was all I deserved and that I could never find better. I chose to be with someone who still loved someone else, who didn't have room to love me because of their own pain for what they did in their past. I chose someone who would never love me the way I, deep in my heart, wanted to be loved.
I wrote things like 'I don't deserve death, I deserve all the pain in the world. I ruin lives. No one should love me and I shouldn't expect love from anyone. I am worthless.'
I have never been that mean to a single soul in my entire life. I wouldn't EVER say those things to anyone, I couldn't bear to hurt someone that badly. I know the things people say can scar. I know the power words can hold, the damage they can inflict, yet I repeatedly said horrible things to myself. What the hell! Why? Why did I feel the need to hurt myself and allow others to hurt me? I have treated myself this way since around the age of 12. I beat myself up for almost 2 full decades! Why did I think I deserved to hurt so much??
I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer. What I do know is that I refuse to beat myself up anymore! Yes, I have made some poor decisions in my life. I obviously choose the hardest path I could find and was hell bent on abusing myself. I'm done with that now.
I forgive myself for all of those things I did to hurt me. I forgive myself for the things I did that hurt others. I forgive myself for the things I allowed others to do to hurt me and for the things I did to hurt myself that unintentionally hurt others. I forgive myself for thinking that I deserved to hurt so much.
This is hard. Of course the voice in my head says 'It doesn't have to be' so I ask for guidance from higher sources to show me how letting go of this pain and hurt and beliefs of unworthiness can be easy. I ask for an understanding of how to let go of all of this pain I have collected throughout the years. I ask for forgiveness from myself for all the damage I have caused to my heart and soul.
I ask for peace, love and kindness.
Living Inspired,
Micah
A part of me is acknowledging the lack of my desires. Another part of me feels as though this is a sort of test, a test of my faith. Do I really believe all the things I preach on this blog? Can I really look past the things that aren't exactly what I want them to be and still enjoy the present moment and where I am right now????
Yes, I can. I am blessed to be able to feel and be aware of where I am emotionally. Because I have worked on paying attention to my mood I was able to notice my sadness at an early stage and ask for assistance in moving past it. I received assistance in 2 forms yesterday.
I was lucky enough to have a friend stop by and get my mind onto more joyful ideas. We ended up having an enjoyable time.
The other help was an old journal. We are in the process of moving and my daughter found a journal I had written in 5 years ago. My Goodness was I in a bad place then! I seemed hell bent on destroying myself and punishing myself for.....I'm not even sure what! I started a relationship that, after reading what I wrote, was doomed from the beginning. I chose to be in a relationship with someone who disliked everything about who I was. From the beginning I wrote about the toxic behavior I was exposing myself to, and I also wrote about my complete belief that I deserved nothing more than the verbal abuse I was receiving. I put myself in a relationship where I was always viewed as something less then, not good enough and undeserving of basic kindness or love. I do not blame the person I was with because I believe I chose him for the fact that he was abusive and that is what I believed I deserved. I chose someone who couldn't love me. I chose someone who never wanted anything like me and I allowed him to remind me of how I was never anything he wanted as often as he could. I chose to have a relationship with someone who ignored me, shamed me for my past behaviors and who kept me believing that this was all I deserved and that I could never find better. I chose to be with someone who still loved someone else, who didn't have room to love me because of their own pain for what they did in their past. I chose someone who would never love me the way I, deep in my heart, wanted to be loved.
I wrote things like 'I don't deserve death, I deserve all the pain in the world. I ruin lives. No one should love me and I shouldn't expect love from anyone. I am worthless.'
I have never been that mean to a single soul in my entire life. I wouldn't EVER say those things to anyone, I couldn't bear to hurt someone that badly. I know the things people say can scar. I know the power words can hold, the damage they can inflict, yet I repeatedly said horrible things to myself. What the hell! Why? Why did I feel the need to hurt myself and allow others to hurt me? I have treated myself this way since around the age of 12. I beat myself up for almost 2 full decades! Why did I think I deserved to hurt so much??
I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer. What I do know is that I refuse to beat myself up anymore! Yes, I have made some poor decisions in my life. I obviously choose the hardest path I could find and was hell bent on abusing myself. I'm done with that now.
I forgive myself for all of those things I did to hurt me. I forgive myself for the things I did that hurt others. I forgive myself for the things I allowed others to do to hurt me and for the things I did to hurt myself that unintentionally hurt others. I forgive myself for thinking that I deserved to hurt so much.
This is hard. Of course the voice in my head says 'It doesn't have to be' so I ask for guidance from higher sources to show me how letting go of this pain and hurt and beliefs of unworthiness can be easy. I ask for an understanding of how to let go of all of this pain I have collected throughout the years. I ask for forgiveness from myself for all the damage I have caused to my heart and soul.
I ask for peace, love and kindness.
Living Inspired,
Micah
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