What did I learn

I went out for the first time in a very long time this past weekend. I got drunk and paid for it the next morning by being severely sick, not good. What I want to write about is what I have learned about myself from that experience.

Let me start by saying that in another life, when I was a different version of myself, I was a VERY flirtatious girl :) That's putting things mildly, I am, and always have been, an insane flirt! I love attention, and I love men, put them together and what you get is flirt. Actually back in the day, I was way more than a flirt, I was straight up player! Without going into too much detail I got hurt emotionally at a young age and instead of letting the pain go I let it harden within my heart. I decided I could play 'the game' better than any boy and I proved it. I had swagger most girls never dream of having :)

I smile and laugh about it now because I refuse to feel shame. It was a time in my life and I will never persecute myself for that behavior. I was hurt, I believed that all men viewed women as was sexual gratification and I decided I could work with that. I refused to even consider that a man would want more of me than what I could physically give, and I also decided I wanted nothing more of them then what they could physically give. For me that worked for a long time. No feelings or emotion just physical pleasure.

What I learned about myself on this recent outing is that I have grown. Of course I am still a mad flirt but I do not look at myself as someone not worthy of emotion or feelings attached to physical affection. I know now that I will not settle for what I once found to be acceptable, and even preferred at the time.

I am worth attention. I have always been worth affection. I am worth kindness and pleasure in my life. I know now that I allowed myself to believe that I was worth less. I believed that my soul didn't require or desire an intimate connection, I was wrong.

So yes, a very tiny amount of old school Micah showed herself at the bar this weekend :) and I have a choice I can either degrade myself for months and not allow myself to go back out or I can smile at myself and realize that yes all of my behavior wasn't great but you live and you learn. I allow myself room for growth, and that room includes space for correction of certain behaviors.

I am pleased that I am not hiding in the sand beating myself for the tiniest of infractions. I will encourage myself to try again, and with time I will learn the appropriate behavior I want to portray.



Living Inspired,

Micah